A secret

Even as I'm re-reading this, I'm tempted to delete it. Honestly? I'm afraid of what people will think of me. It might seem like I'm the kind of person who lets stuff just roll off my back. I usually am. But there are a few things about me I keep very close to the chest, afraid of what people will actually think about me once they find out what it is. This is one of them. But I think it's something that I need to get out. So, here it is. One of my close-kept secrets. 

Once a month

That is seriously all I ever post. Once a stupid month. 
I really have goals for myself when it comes to blogging. 
"I will do one every week" 
"I just have to do it more often. This is ridiculous" 


But do I ever do it? No. 
The usual excuses come to mind: I'm too busy, too forgetful.. blah blah blah 
The real reason? I feel like I don't have a lot to say. 


I'm not going to go all emotional and stuff on you, so don't worry about that. 
I am literally so exhausted so my brain is shut off. Like - not functioning anymore. 
You have no idea how many times I've hit the backspace button already, and 
I've barely typed anything. I live a sad life, what can I say? 


So, I have this Google Drive thingy-ma-jing now on my phone/computer and 
I type little snippets of stuff on there whenever they come to me. 
I only have two things on there right now, but I thought I'd share them with you. 


1) I recently attended my cousin's son's firsf birthday party. Seeing my cousin take on the job of motherhood is simply amazing, but it also makes me realize how we all have grown up and are adults now. We all have our own lives, own jobs and responsibilities. Its crazy because I remember when my cousins and I were little and we would have so much fun together. I would go over to my aunt and uncle's house and we would all play barbies in their basement. We would play hide and seek on their farm and pet the cows. My other cousins would visit from Minnesota every holiday and it would be so special. Now, they never come down. I haven't seen or heard from them in over a year, I think. One cousin lives 3.5 hours away in Southern Iowa with her husband and son, one lives in Des Moines (with her fiance) and the other goes to school in Indianola. Its been awhile since we have all been together, in one place all at once. I miss it.

This is hilarious. Seriously. Read it. Are you reading it?
They are all true. I think. 

Being an adult is not everything it's cracked up to be. When I was little, all I had to worry about was which Generation Girl I wanted to be in my group of friends, which Polly Pocket I wanted to play with that night and how many girls did I want to invite to my birthday party. Now, I worry about how I'm going to pay all of my bills (on time) and afford to fix my car, why does gas have to be so expensive, the unrest overseas, war, am I ever going to move out parents' house, should I get a second job.. things like that. I miss being a kid. I miss the fun I had, the laughter, the free-ness. High school and college? Don't even get me started on the things I miss from those days. Don't even. I could write three blog posts about it.


2) **I recently went to some stock car races and this little book starter popped into my head. This is literally how some of my stories start, with just a sentence or two**
Its Friday night and I am in my favorite place in the whole world. No, not the football field or out in a bar. It's better.

As I sit in the bleachers, the low roar of the crowd gets me excited, the adrenaline flowing. Everyone is waiting for that green light. Then it happened.

The rumble of engines hits me down to the bones. My seat shakes and my teeth rattle as modified engines groan under pressure.


I think it has potential. I will make it awesome. Don't worry. You'll get updates. My other story? Well, it took a back seat when I got a job and tried to get my life together. Now that it's sort of together, I'll start it again. I'll write two at once! Don't think I can? Mmhmm. Just you wait. 


What else is on my mind? A special trip I have planned to see one of my very best friends. The other is coming back from England soon and I couldn't be more excited about that if i tried. I miss all of my friends. Lots of other things but I can't put words to them right now because of the whole "brain shut off" thing I've got going on. I'll keep you updated.. MORE THAN ONCE A MONTH. 



Til then. 

Dreams..

I have been having some pretty strange dreams lately.

Not the kind where you wake up as a carrot or you're being chased by a large hamster (both of which I have dreamed of), the kind that seem really.. well, real.

Two nights ago, I dreamt I had an arranged marriage. Yeah, talk about coming from left field.

My husband's name was Sam, he was a red-headed, attractive guy and I wasn't complaining about having to marry him. It was the fact that I had no part in planning my wedding whatsoever that got me so upset (during my dream). I had no idea what my dress looked like until I tried it on the day of my wedding. I didn't even know if there wasn't going to be a pastor there to marry us. I was completely clueless. And, on top of it, my dad drunkly walked me down the aisle. It was horrible. I don't remember anything other than that. I just remember being extremely upset the whole day. And poor Sam was completely clueless.

My other dream also involved marriage. I was married to a friend from high school, who shall remain nameless. I did have a very (very, very, very) small crush on him in high school, but that was almost five years ago. I got over it. And I just saw him a couple of months ago and that crush did NOT return, let me tell you. He's still as weird as he was in high school.

Anyway, in my dream, we were married and lived on a beach with my best friends from college and their husbands. I distinctly remember us driving in a car somewhere, but I don't know where. I hate how I don't remember now, when I did with great clarity this morning. Ugh.

But why have my dreams been focused on marriage and the future these last couple of days? What is going on inside my subconscious that is making me have dreams like this?

I Googled "dream interpretations" and then looked up marriage, engagements.. etc. Here's what I got.

Wedding

• To dream of a wedding indicates your life is about to change. An aspect of your waking life is ending, but another is about to begin. In many cases, you may feel negatively about the wedding you see in your dreams. This is typically meant to bring to mind a fear or anxiety from your waking life. You may have some feelings of sorrow, or a loved one may soon pass. Conversely, it may indicate a fear of commitment. Consider your relationships; are you getting ready to take one to the 'next level?' Are you scared to do so?
• To dream of a wedding dress foreshadows new and exciting experiences. You may meet people who you will grow to cherish as valued friends.
• To dream that you are engaged to be married suggests your desire for intimacy or companionship. You could be attempting to quell your sense of isolation. www.dreamforth.com

Are you the type of person who believes dreams actually have meaning or are they random thoughts of your subconscious? I am... on the fence. 

Sometimes life is just...

Complicated. 

I've decided that I will never be happy with anything. Take this, for example: 

For the longest time (okay, only a few months), I was unemployed. And I absolutely hated it. I felt useless and like a total bum. Well, honestly, I was. But then, miraculously, I got a job. 

I love it. I've also recently (effective yesterday) got a promotion and I'm both completely freaked out and excited at the same time. I love my co-workers, I love my boss. Seriously, it's perfect. 

But.. yes, there's always a but. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. At the same time, I'm not. And that makes no sense, right? Yeah, hence the complicated and confusing brain thoughts. 

I think it might just be being an adult that is the boring part. I don't have any fun anymore. All I do is work. All of my friends have moved away, leaving me alone and sad. Okay, not really sad.. just a little bit sad. 

Here is my day, in a round-a-bout way. Ha, that rhymed! 

I wake up at 6:30 every day. I got to work at 7:45ish, depending what is on the Today Show. I get caught up in a story sometimes. 

I work until roughly 12:00, when I get an hour lunch break. I go home, watch CNN and eat lunch. I go back to work, work until 5:00 or so, sometimes 5:30, make supper and watch TV the rest of the night. Or I might have to go take pictures of something for work. 

That's the fun part, going to go take pictures of things, like concerts and such. It breaks up the doldrums.. 

I love my job and it's different every day, so the doldrums is not my job. It's just my life in general. I miss babysitting my nieces and nephew a couple nights a week. I miss going to my friend's apartment to watch our favorite TV shows. I miss going on random shopping trips/movie nights with said friend. I miss people. Ugh. 

Sometimes, I miss college so much it hurts.I know that sounds kind of strange, but I would go back in a heartbeat (if I knew after graduation, I'd have the job I had now. That's the catch). I loved being around my friends all the time. I miss my roommate with a passion of a thousands suns. I miss being able to go downstairs and hang out in the common area, go to the cafeteria and laugh hysterically with my girls. Oh my god, we'd have so much fun. 

This blog doesn't really make any sense. I just had to get out what I was feeling. That's what I'm feeling, a mixture of longing, nostalgia, boredom and contentment. That is weird combination. 

I've already decided that this is going to be one of those blog posts that I write about something completely random. Sound good? If not, get the hell out. 

Ha,  I just kiddng. Come back, come back. It's a joke?

This is one of those moments when I know I should blog about something, but I honestly have no idea. I haven't written a blog in about twenty or so years, I thought right now should be a good time to start up again. What do you think? 

(all of that was written with a British accent in my head. Why? I have no idea.)

I think I might need to sleep more. I am bloody tired and it's 11:36 p.m. That could be because I get up every day at 6:30 a.m. and right now, I'm usually asleep. But I have tomorrow off so I'm pulling a rebel move and staying up. Crazy, I know. I'm going to stay up to midnight! Okay, that might too crazy. I should take it down a notch or two. 

Two notches later.. I'm still here, typing away.. thinking, will this post every have a point. The answer? Probably not. But that doesn't really matter now, does it? No, Morgan, it does not. 

Question: Do you think the Girls Scouts of America put something secret in their cookies that make them so delicious and addicting? Because they are like a drug to me, I can't stop. I keep looking at the box and telling myself, "You don't need them. You don't, not really. Just leave them there." Then I rationalize with myself. "Well, you bought the stupid cookies, are they just going to sit in the box forever and rot?" I can't have that. It would be wasted money. I hate wasted money. So I eat one. "Okay, just one. Well, maybe two. But that's it. No more. Put it somewhere you can't see it." Like that does any good. I still have the delicious taste in my mouth and I knew where I hid the damn box. SO I find them and usually eat four more. Yeah, I live a sad life. 

Question: When is it/will it ever be appropriate to call a former teacher by their first name? I see my teachers all the time and I don't call them by any name because I don't know what to do. I'm secretly panicking inside, hoping they won't say something that will make me say a name because I won't know what to do. I'll freeze. Do I call them Mr. SoandSo or just plain Dude? I have no idea. Completely clueless. Surprise, surprise. 

That is what was on my mind today.These thoughts, and that stuffing newspapers with insets is quite possibly the worst thing ever. Yup. 

I think I simply wrote just to say I wrote something and get off by back about it okay, I'll write when I can/want to! but then I realize that no one was hounding me about a blog post so that was just me yelling at myself. As per usual. 

Don't judge. 

Friends are the bacon bits...

in the salad bowl of life. 


It's true. You have life, which is kind of boring, with the lettuce that is work. The croutons which are your family, kind of crunchy and weird, but good. Then you have your friends, the bacon bits, the most amazing part, but maybe not always the best for you. But still awesome. 


I just got off the phone with the girl that I've known the longest, my best friend in the whole world. I've seriously known her since preschool, and we're still friends. How often does that happen? Most people lose touch, but not us. Sure, we don't get to talk to each other as often because we're both busy with work and we live almost two hours apart so I hardly ever see her. But still, We just talked for two hours on the phone. 


Do you have one of those friends who no matter how much time goes by, you start talking to each other like you just saw each other yesterday. Like no time has gone by since your last conversation, since the last time you saw each other. It's great. 


Then I have friends who.. whom.. I met in college and are amazing. I certainly changed when I went to school, becoming more outgoing and comfortable with myself. They got to know the new me, the one that I liked too. We all went through some great times. They're amazing people and I love them all to death. 


I just wanted to write this blog to get my feelings out about my friends and how amazing they are. Sure, they're all spread out now, around the state, country, and the world, but we're still friends. Thank God for the Internet and cellphones because without those things, I'd talk to no one. And I'd be sad. 

Friends are awesome :-)

My dog died today

09/12/93-12/16/11

I've had mostly one dog my whole life. When I was really little, we had a couple and I don't really remember them. But when I was five or six, we got Tedo. He was so small, he fit right into the palm of my hand.

I remember the day we got him too. I was getting a haircut. I was sitting in the barber's chair when my mom walked in with a little black ball of fur in her hand. I squealed, jumped out of the chair and squeezed him real tight.

He was my dog. We had a bond almost instantly. He followed me everywhere. He'd always sit on my lap, lay down next to me, what have you. He was so cute.

He hated it when I sang, though. He'd always howl along, telling me that I was awful enough to make him cry. But I kept doing it and he kept howling. Then, it morphed into saying my name really loud and he'd howl. It was hilarious.

There was one time, in the summer, and I was home from college. I had stayed up super late the night before, like 3 AM, and wanted to sleep in. But my mom came and woke me up around 5AM, telling me that Tedo had run away. He had gotten loose from his chain and wandered off.

We looked for hours. And we couldn't find him. I was devastated. I wasn't ready to lose him yet. I hadn't prepared myself for his death. So, when we had given up our search, I went up to my room and cried. And cried. And cried until I finally cried myself to sleep.

My mom woke me up again a few hours later, telling me that someone had called and told her that they spotted Tedo, wandering around two blocks away. I jumped out of bed, still in my pajamas, and took off. We drove around forever, until we saw him entering a field - mostly weeds and tall grass, and I panicked. I didn't know how I was going to find him in all that grass. But I did. He came walking out about ten feet away from me and just trotted along, like what he was doing was every day business. I yelled at him, told him to stop. He didn't even acknowledge me. I ran right out of my flip flops and caught him. He was freaked, at first. It was extremely hot, so he was disoriented and confused, thirtsy to all get out.

I was elated. I hugged him super tight, just like I had when we first got him. But that's when we realized something. He was going deaf.

Three years have gone by since that time, and he has only gotten worse. He was completely deaf, 3/4 blind, and he was losing weight so fast. We couldn't brush him or give him a bath, his fur would just fall off. We took him to the vet and found out he had diabetes really bad and that no amount of medication would make things better.

I think I was in denial. I didn't want to hear that Tedo was slowly dying. I couldn't believe it. My mom and dad asked me if we should put him to sleep. I said no, and that was the end of it. I wanted him around as long as possible. He was my dog, the one I'd had my whole life. I couldn't just send him to his death. I thought putting dogs to sleep was awful.

Lately, he'd been losing control of his bowels, peeing everywhere. I think he was confused. He probably thought he was outside and he could just pee whenever. He would often just stand around, looking lost and confused. Like he didn't know where he was. Then he would see me and walk over to me, hardly ever leaving my side. (except to sleep, which he did 98% of the time). Though he couldn't really see, he always found me.

I just feel like I let him down, I let him suffer. It was obviously he was in pain. And did I do anything? No. I just pretended that he was okay. And now he's gone. Forever. I'll never get to pet him again. Yell at him. Trip over him. But that's a part of life, I suppose. Life, death, taxes.

I know he's better now, no longer in pain, laying down in the sun patch in the sky. He loved laying in the sunshine, rolling around in the grass, just being weird. He was a good dog. I'm going to miss him. I feel silly for getting so emotional about it, but I can't help it. I hold all my tears and sadness inside until I can't take it anymore and one tear falls, then another, until I'm crying like a baby. But I'll be okay, eventually. Life is just hard sometimes.