......

I wish I could say I've been too busy living my life. 

I wish I could say I've been having so much fun, going out with my friends and being a normal person. 

I wish I could say all that. 

I wish I could. 

But I can't. 

It's been months since I posted last, and I can tell you in one word why I haven't done so since November. 

Depression. 

I wouldn't say I was the typical depression case. I was social. Christmas was good, except that we lost my grandma, so that made Christmas kinda suck. Losing her was hard for everyone. 

I've gone out on weekends with friends and my family, had a good time. Works been okay. It's had it's good moments and bad moments, but no job is perfect. Like now, I'm currently in a bad moment, but I don't really want to talk about it. 

It's the moments where I'm alone in my head. It's so hard to describe, really. I just feel like I don't care anymore. About anything. Not to the point of like.. you know... but that I just don't feel like putting a smile on my face and going to work and talking to people. It's like I dread it. And it has nothing to do with my job or my coworkers. Most of the time, I love them all. It's me. It's me getting trapped in my own head, thinking about why I'm here and doing this. These feelings I have are so hard to describe. 

The weekends - they're my favorite. Most of the time I can shut out the world, lock the door and keep the curtains closed. Block out the sunlight, sit on the couch and just be by myself. And I love it. And I feel like that's not normal. If someone texts me to do something, I'll make an excuse that I can't. And stay by myself. 

But there are some weekends where I'm fine. Happy even. I go out with friends, watch movies, go to a concert, see my parents, hang out with my family, all of this fun stuff. I just don't understand it. 

It's really hard to describe. It's like today. Normal day. By myself all day because it's my day off. I'm sick, so I spent most of the day in bed. And it was fine, I had to work for a little bit, was nice and social. Came home, and I just don't want to talk to anyone. It flips like a switch, and I just wish it would go away. 

I've been too depressed to read. Which is so shocking because I love to read. I've just been glued to the TV, and that's about it. Hopefully I can shake off whatever is going on with me, and get back to normal.