A secret

Even as I'm re-reading this, I'm tempted to delete it. Honestly? I'm afraid of what people will think of me. It might seem like I'm the kind of person who lets stuff just roll off my back. I usually am. But there are a few things about me I keep very close to the chest, afraid of what people will actually think about me once they find out what it is. This is one of them. But I think it's something that I need to get out. So, here it is. One of my close-kept secrets. 

Happy Election Day!

Oh, you didn’t know it was election day? Well, surprise! I wish it was the presidential election, but sadly no. Just the little stuff. I’m so tired of watching those TV commercials and the debates. I don’t believe any of it. I just go with what my guts says. What does it say? Don’t vote for Republicans. (I’m laughing a lot on in the inside.. Go Dems!)

In case you didn’t know this, I’m currently unemployed. So, what do the unemployed do with their unfortunate free time? 

1) look for jobs 

2) always tweaking the resume and writing cover letters and 

3) doing random things

 Right now, I am doing number three. I’ve had enough of one and two for awhile and I’m taking a break for a day or two. Of course, in my one/two day hiatus, my dream job will become available and then be filled by someone “more qualified” and with “more experience”.  *sigh* don't get me started.. 

Again, if you’re a loyal reader of my blog, you’ll know that I started to write a story. It wasn’t very long –only a few paragraphs – and it didn’t really have much meaning or anything. I’ve been working on it some more in my “free time”, developing a plot, structure, characters, the works. I even have a working title: Gibson, by Morgan Bergmann. Sounds nice, no?

                

Yeah maybe – it’s a working title.

                

Today is the perfect day to write too. It’s cloudy, rainy, and cold. I am currently sitting on my made bed (which I don’t do very often) in my very clean room (first time in a long time), wearing my favorite sweater, with a dog asleep next to me, a laptop in my lap and a cup of hot chocolate (with the little marshmallows) in my favorite gingerbread man mug next to my typewriter (yes, I have a typewriter).

The only weird thing about this is Sex in the City is on TV and I’m watching it. I don’t watch Sex in the City. So yeah, it’s weird.               

A lot of people don’t understand why I’m writing anything. To quote those people:

                

“It’s not going to come to anything” 

or 

“Shouldn’t you be doing something more productive with your time, like job hunting” 

or my favorite 

“Why? That just sounds like a waste of time”.

               

Wow, that makes me feel so great about myself anonymous people. You’re so nice. My answer to these people is this:

                

“I write late at night, from 11-2 in the morning. What should I be doing at that time other than sleep? Should I be job hunting then?”

                

They’re silent . HA! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. I do a secret checkmark in my mind, chalk one up for Morgan.

                

But yes, unemployment has allowed me to do some things I otherwise wouldn't. I get to write, I get to see my nieces and nephews a lot more, hang out with friends.. The downside? No money. And that's a pretty big downside. 

Anyway, that was all I had to say. So here is an excerpt from my story/book/thingy: 

       My bedroom door was closed and my parents had removed all the posters I had on the outside. Did they change everything on the inside too? Or is it all the way I left it when I was 17? My hand turned the knob and I was immediately transported to my teen years.

      It still smelled the same, like my lavender and vanilla candles, both of which were still sitting on my desk. The corkboard on the wall was covered with pictures. My sister and me, my old dog Rusty, my best friend Beth, our group of friends at a birthday party, all left untouched. Old books were lined up alphabetically on my bookshelf, mixed with the knickknacks that I loved to collect.

     It looked like the seventeen-year-old me could come strolling through the door any moment and pick up where I left off. I didn’t take anything personal with me to college, except for a few photos of my family. I wanted to start completely over.

     A framed picture of Beth, dusty from my absence, sat my by bed. We were so happy then, our smiles innocent and full of life. God, we were so young. I picked it up and held it close. Beth was the reason I left this town. I couldn’t stand the looks, the whispers behind my back. People were judging me for things I hadn’t done. I put the picture down and closed my eyes and

     I heard the screech of the tires, 

     Beth screaming, 

     People yelling,

     A knock on my door brought me out of my daze before I went fully under. My doctor told me the black outs were a result of the accident. He didn’t know if they’d ever go away, a seemingly permanent reminder of what I had done. This trip was going to be harder than I thought.                 

Are you afraid of the dark?

It's an interesting word, fear.

fear   /fɪər/   noun

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. 

2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling:
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude
4. reverential awe, especially toward God:
5. something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; something a person is afraid of

Everyone is afraid of something. Heights, dogs, flying, the dentist, the dark, small spaces, public speaking, you name it. I'm sure there isn't one thing on this planet that isn't feared by someone.

I can tell you my fears: the dentist, bugs, spiders, snakes, the people in costumes and amusement parks, medicine cabinents.

Yes, I'm afraid of medicine cabinents. I'll set the scene for you. A young woman walks into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She opens the medicine cabinent to get her tooth brush and tooth paste and closes it. BOOM! There is a person standing behind her. She screams and turns around, nothing's there. Oh, she writes it off as her imagination, she must be tired. She should get more sleep. So she brushes her teeth, la la la, and opens the cabinent back up to but her stuff in there. She closes it. BOOM! That person is there again. This time when she turns around, he's still there. And she is murdered.

That scene, or something like it, is in so many horror movies, it's ridiculous. The first time I saw it, I never wanted to have a medicine cabininet ever. But then what do my parents do, they get one for my bathroom.

Talk about terrifying. Every time I went to close it, I closed my eyes. It's still kind of scary, though I know the fear isn't warrented.

Two of my biggest fears, though, aren't tangible: change and failure. Who isn't afraid of failing? Being a disappointment? Deciding to do something but then be so bad at it, you're ashamed? That's terrifying. But that fear can also hold me back. I decide not to do something because I'm afraid I might fail, I miss the opportunity to learn something from it.

You know that saying, learning from your mistakes? I can't do that because I'm afraid to make mistakes. It stinks. Royally.

And the fear of change can be crippling. The two of them combined don't really go well.

But I think the best medicine for fear is to just try it. I'm not saying I'll be going to a snake farm and make friends with a python, but maybe just try to not be so freaked out if I see a spider. Maybe I'll go to an amusement park and shake hands with a person in a costume. Maybe I'll go to the dentist and NOT have a panic attack (that would be nice, panic attacks aren't fun). Or maybe I'll try something different, even if I think I'll be bad at it.

I just can't let my fear hold me back anymore. It's time to stop being such a baby, "grow a pair", and get over it. 

"Never be afraid of trying something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic." -Unknown

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear on the unknown." -H.P. Lovecraft

"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conqure fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy." -Dale Carnegie

What are you afraid of?