I am afraid.

I fear the unknown.
I fear the undiscovered.

I fear loneliness.
I fear commitment.

I fear love.
I fear hatred.

I fear the future.
I fear the present.

I fear disappointment.
I fear success.

Spiders, ants, snakes, clowns, dentists, abandonment, being wrong, being right, tornadoes, lady bugs, costumes, failure, strength, ghosts, disease, death, frogs, closets, life, God, fire, power, weakness.

.....

One way to get over our fears is to face them, head on. I have a busy 2014 waiting for me.

Wish me luck. 

Peace,
Morgan

P.S. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and Happy Kwanza to all.

Back to High School

Meet my high school, a place I called home for six years.
From 6th to 12th grades, in this one building.
They were some of the best times of my life.

When I started my job at my hometown newspaper a year ago, I knew there'd be experiences that I would have to deal with when they came up.

It didn't cross my mind then, but one of those experiences turned out to be walking back into my high school after leaving it five years before.

I was assigned to go take pictures of the high school art show. Something pretty mundane, right? Well, it should be been.I remember walking into those front doors, into those hallowed hallways and was instantly brought back to the days when I was walking to class with my friends, not having a care in the world.

Remember those days? All I had to worry about was studying for my next Algebra exam and whether or not the boy in my Biology class ever noticed me.. which he didn't. I didn't have to think about bills, grocery shopping, rent or whether or not my milk was okay three days after it expired.. which it wasn't.

When we're kids, all we wanted to do is grow up, be an adult and just leave high school as fast as possible and onto something bigger and better. Now that we're adults, we think about going back. How we could redo things, relive our glory days and just be young again.

And every time I go to a high school event, which I do a lot, I look at those kids and think of the futures they have in front of them. Where are they going to go to college? What will their major be? Will they stay in touch with their high school friends as much as they promise to? Will they succeed? I was in their place once. I remember how terrifying it was, how unsure of yourself you are. Now that it's over and gone, I wish I could go back and relive some moments.  

I recently attended a high school boys track meet and it definitely brought back memories for me. For those of you who don't know, which you shouldn't, at my high school, my best friend and I were the boys track managers. Those track meets were some of the best times of my high school career. We had the best times on the bus, at the meets and during practice. Those moments are the ones I'd like to relive. Me and my best friend, together in the same town, having a blast and being carefree. We got to check out really cute guys and hang out with great track coaches.

When I was taking pictures of the recent track meet, I hunted those coaches down and it made me even more sad. They're still the same great guys and I really wanted to be part of that group again. I saw their current managers sitting in bleachers, like we used to, covered head to toe because it was freezing, and just having a blast. I wanted to be them again. I wanted to be in those bleachers. We were almost in that exact same spot six or seven years ago. We were those girls. But now we're not. We're grown ups.

I guess going to that track meet really made me reminisce. Being back in that high school, where I walked across that stage, accepted my diploma and was excited to get the hell outta dodge, really makes me miss being that age. I know that it was six years ago and there's no going back, but I know that I'll have the memories forever.

When I go back up to the school now, I just smile and think about the times I spent there. I see the kids walk through the halls and picture myself there, walking with my best friend to our lockers and talking about boys. Being young and carefree.

Though I love reminiscing, it's time for me to focus on the life I have in front of me. Though yes, it can be hard and stressful, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I say that I wish I could go back, but if given the opportunity, I really don't think I would. That time of my life is over and it's time to be in the here and now.

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

Are you afraid of the dark?

It's an interesting word, fear.

fear   /fɪər/   noun

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. 

2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling:
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude
4. reverential awe, especially toward God:
5. something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; something a person is afraid of

Everyone is afraid of something. Heights, dogs, flying, the dentist, the dark, small spaces, public speaking, you name it. I'm sure there isn't one thing on this planet that isn't feared by someone.

I can tell you my fears: the dentist, bugs, spiders, snakes, the people in costumes and amusement parks, medicine cabinents.

Yes, I'm afraid of medicine cabinents. I'll set the scene for you. A young woman walks into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She opens the medicine cabinent to get her tooth brush and tooth paste and closes it. BOOM! There is a person standing behind her. She screams and turns around, nothing's there. Oh, she writes it off as her imagination, she must be tired. She should get more sleep. So she brushes her teeth, la la la, and opens the cabinent back up to but her stuff in there. She closes it. BOOM! That person is there again. This time when she turns around, he's still there. And she is murdered.

That scene, or something like it, is in so many horror movies, it's ridiculous. The first time I saw it, I never wanted to have a medicine cabininet ever. But then what do my parents do, they get one for my bathroom.

Talk about terrifying. Every time I went to close it, I closed my eyes. It's still kind of scary, though I know the fear isn't warrented.

Two of my biggest fears, though, aren't tangible: change and failure. Who isn't afraid of failing? Being a disappointment? Deciding to do something but then be so bad at it, you're ashamed? That's terrifying. But that fear can also hold me back. I decide not to do something because I'm afraid I might fail, I miss the opportunity to learn something from it.

You know that saying, learning from your mistakes? I can't do that because I'm afraid to make mistakes. It stinks. Royally.

And the fear of change can be crippling. The two of them combined don't really go well.

But I think the best medicine for fear is to just try it. I'm not saying I'll be going to a snake farm and make friends with a python, but maybe just try to not be so freaked out if I see a spider. Maybe I'll go to an amusement park and shake hands with a person in a costume. Maybe I'll go to the dentist and NOT have a panic attack (that would be nice, panic attacks aren't fun). Or maybe I'll try something different, even if I think I'll be bad at it.

I just can't let my fear hold me back anymore. It's time to stop being such a baby, "grow a pair", and get over it. 

"Never be afraid of trying something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic." -Unknown

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear on the unknown." -H.P. Lovecraft

"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conqure fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy." -Dale Carnegie

What are you afraid of?