My dog died today

09/12/93-12/16/11

I've had mostly one dog my whole life. When I was really little, we had a couple and I don't really remember them. But when I was five or six, we got Tedo. He was so small, he fit right into the palm of my hand.

I remember the day we got him too. I was getting a haircut. I was sitting in the barber's chair when my mom walked in with a little black ball of fur in her hand. I squealed, jumped out of the chair and squeezed him real tight.

He was my dog. We had a bond almost instantly. He followed me everywhere. He'd always sit on my lap, lay down next to me, what have you. He was so cute.

He hated it when I sang, though. He'd always howl along, telling me that I was awful enough to make him cry. But I kept doing it and he kept howling. Then, it morphed into saying my name really loud and he'd howl. It was hilarious.

There was one time, in the summer, and I was home from college. I had stayed up super late the night before, like 3 AM, and wanted to sleep in. But my mom came and woke me up around 5AM, telling me that Tedo had run away. He had gotten loose from his chain and wandered off.

We looked for hours. And we couldn't find him. I was devastated. I wasn't ready to lose him yet. I hadn't prepared myself for his death. So, when we had given up our search, I went up to my room and cried. And cried. And cried until I finally cried myself to sleep.

My mom woke me up again a few hours later, telling me that someone had called and told her that they spotted Tedo, wandering around two blocks away. I jumped out of bed, still in my pajamas, and took off. We drove around forever, until we saw him entering a field - mostly weeds and tall grass, and I panicked. I didn't know how I was going to find him in all that grass. But I did. He came walking out about ten feet away from me and just trotted along, like what he was doing was every day business. I yelled at him, told him to stop. He didn't even acknowledge me. I ran right out of my flip flops and caught him. He was freaked, at first. It was extremely hot, so he was disoriented and confused, thirtsy to all get out.

I was elated. I hugged him super tight, just like I had when we first got him. But that's when we realized something. He was going deaf.

Three years have gone by since that time, and he has only gotten worse. He was completely deaf, 3/4 blind, and he was losing weight so fast. We couldn't brush him or give him a bath, his fur would just fall off. We took him to the vet and found out he had diabetes really bad and that no amount of medication would make things better.

I think I was in denial. I didn't want to hear that Tedo was slowly dying. I couldn't believe it. My mom and dad asked me if we should put him to sleep. I said no, and that was the end of it. I wanted him around as long as possible. He was my dog, the one I'd had my whole life. I couldn't just send him to his death. I thought putting dogs to sleep was awful.

Lately, he'd been losing control of his bowels, peeing everywhere. I think he was confused. He probably thought he was outside and he could just pee whenever. He would often just stand around, looking lost and confused. Like he didn't know where he was. Then he would see me and walk over to me, hardly ever leaving my side. (except to sleep, which he did 98% of the time). Though he couldn't really see, he always found me.

I just feel like I let him down, I let him suffer. It was obviously he was in pain. And did I do anything? No. I just pretended that he was okay. And now he's gone. Forever. I'll never get to pet him again. Yell at him. Trip over him. But that's a part of life, I suppose. Life, death, taxes.

I know he's better now, no longer in pain, laying down in the sun patch in the sky. He loved laying in the sunshine, rolling around in the grass, just being weird. He was a good dog. I'm going to miss him. I feel silly for getting so emotional about it, but I can't help it. I hold all my tears and sadness inside until I can't take it anymore and one tear falls, then another, until I'm crying like a baby. But I'll be okay, eventually. Life is just hard sometimes.