Clarity post rage

It's amazing what blogging can do.

I was so angry just a few hours ago, but being able to write out all my feelings on this blog made me feel so much better. Not good enough to call my mom and talk about it, but good enough to actually have a decent day today.

Like with a previous post. I wrote about a guy a liked in college, and the fact that I still liked him now. Well, after writing out all my feelings and confusion, I feel better about it. I've realized that the way I was feeling wasn't crazy (well, maybe a little) and now I think I'm finally over him. It's about time too, let me tell you.

So, blogging is healthy, I've decided. It's good for me and I'm glad I've finally found a way to get my feelings out. I know that no one reads this thing, so it's just a way for me to get things out without anyone judging me. Just me and my blog.

So much rage

I probably shouldn't even be blogging right now because of how I angry I am right now. Plus, I'm not even sure I can get all my emotions clearly written in this blog without going on a HUGE rant. But maybe I'll just go on one anyway. Of course, I might just end up pounding on the keyboard in my anger.

The things that keep me up at night..

That title isn't as scary-sounding as it might seem. It's not like I have anything in my house that goes bump in the night... at least not yet.. It's just my brain and thoughts that keep sleep out of my reach.

This type of thing happens to me all the time. It's not really fair, but what can you do? I know I'm tired, I can feel it. Right now, my eyes are drooping shut and my eyelids feel like they weigh 100 pounds. But I try to lay down and go to sleep..

NOTHING.

If I were to picture what my brain looks like, I image there are hundreds of thoughts just buzzing around in there.. no rules, no traffic laws, just complete chaos.

There is one topic that is keeping me up tonight though. One in particular that is on the front burner.

A boy.

I know, go figure. Isn't is always?

This boy in particular I have known since early 2009. I met him in college. His name is Matt and I think I was in love with him for all those two and a half years during my college days.

Did he know it?

No! Because I was (well, still am) to insecure about myself to say something.

We met in my Intro to American Politics class my sophomore year of college. Well, I noticed him on the first day of class. I, of course, sat in the back corner and he sat in the front row (our desks were in a u shape in the room) so I had an excellent view of him.

Turns out, we also worked the same shift at the college cafeteria. And we worked side by side.

I recognized him right away when we showed up for our first shift. I couldn't believe that out of all the work shifts and all the student employees, we were on the same schedule.

Things got even better when we were assigned to work in the same area. I got to stand by him for three hours. THREE WHOLE HOURS.

I was assigned to scoop rice and he was my busser. I remember it like it was yesterday.

I don't know how I got up the courage to even talk to him. I was (well, still am) a complete chicken/wuss/scaredy cat and yet somehow, I managed to ask him a question.

I asked him, "Aren't you in Professor Whatshisname's Intro to American Politics class?" I knew he was, but I didn't want to say that to prove how much of a creeper I was.

And we hit if off from there. Just thinking about that time gives me butterflies because I seriously liked him from the first night we worked together.

That was probably the greatest semester ever, in relation to work. I had so much fun with him. Somehow, I struggled to keep up in politics class and that gave us something to talk about.

I was the first to initiate the friend request on Facebook, at the prodding of my roommate. She knew how much I liked him because I talked about him all the time. I mean, all the time.
Oh Matt said this and You'll never guess what Matt did today.

One of my favorite things he did was untie my apron. I don't know why, but it just made me smile. Every time he'd walk by me at work, he'd untie my apron. I pretended to get mad at him, but really I was thinking "oh my God he's paying attention to me. Please don't stop."
And he didn't.

We kept in contact over the summer (on Facebook, of course) and I couldn't wait to get back to school and get working with him again. Sadly, we did not have a class together again.. oh wait, yeah we did. We had another history class together, but I sat in the front with my friends and he sat in the back with his. I think that was the semester I didn't see him much because we didn't work together..

ANYWAY.

There are a few specific moments in our relationship that really stand out to me:

1. the moment I got his phone number. I think it was junior year and I had a project I was working on for my video production class. I really wanted a guy to be in it. I was eating in the Den with my roommate when he came up to us. I asked him about my project and pestered him until he said yes. Then I asked for his phone number so I could get ahold of him later and he said this: "I think you're just trying to find a way to get my phone number." I think I turned beet red and I stuttered. Well, what am I supposed to say to that? Oh uh.. well yeah it is. I really really like you. The ened.

2. the moment he had a girlfriend. I remember looking on Facebook and it popped up that Matt had changed his relationship status to IN A RELATIONSHIP. I about flipped out. My poor roommate was in our room and she knew how much I liked him. I yelled at my computer and she's said, "what in the hell is wrong with you?" I answered, "Matt has a girlfriend." That was all I needed to say and she understood. I think I stalked her almost instantly and she seemed really damn nice which pissed me off even more. Then, one night, I worked a shift with him (but not side by side) and all the employees ate supper together. It was a big table filled with lots of people, but he was sitting close to me and I could hear him talk about her. I just kept my mouth shut and I think he actually noticed that I wasn't talking. He didn't say anything and I didn't talk to him the whole shift. He stopped talking about her after that. Then they broke up and I felt bad for feeling happy about it.

3. the moment in the library. Can I just.. this is my favorite memory of him. It was literally the greatest night. I had to work on a paper for class and I went to the library to find a study room to write it. Well, it was finals time and all the rooms were full. As I was walking around looking for one, I looked in one room and saw Matt in there by himself. He waved at me, I waved back and kept going. As I walked away, I heard him open the door and come after me.
"Hey, do you want to share my room? I'm just in there by myself?"
I just stared at him.. uh yes! Well, I was freaking out because it would be just him and me in this little room. I think this was late junior year? Senior year? I can't keep everything straight.
ANYWAY. We worked in that room together until the library closed at midnight. It was so much fun. I don't know how I got my paper done because I was so damn nervous. I tried my hardest not to stare at him because we were sitting right across from each other at this little round table. I thought I could feel this charge between us, but I could have been imagining it. I do have quite the imagination. We walked together outside and he walked me to my building, even though it was out of his way. How sweet is that?

But did I ever mention to him that I liked him as more than a friend? Nope. Do I regret it? Yup. I might have missed out on something really special because I was too scared to put myself out there. Too scared to admit I liked him. What if he didn't like me back like that? Our friendship would have been super awkward after that. But that was the risk, right? High risk, high reward? But four years of silence.

Then, we graduated. He moved down to Des Moines and I moved back up north with my parents. Two years after graduation, he still lives down there and I still live up here. And I still like him. Though I know that there is no point to it and nothing will ever come of it, I still find myself lingering a little longer on his Facebook updates and thinking to myself, "Does he ever think about me? What's he doing right now?" I'm sure he doesn't, I bet I don't even cross his mind. But that's okay though. I get it.

Throughout the four years, I had my ups and downs with him. I would convince myself that there was no point in liking him because there was no way he would think that way about it. Just get over him. And I thought I did. Then I would see him again and he's make me laugh and I'd have to start all over.

I haven't seen him in two years and I still think about him. I know, it's stupid and weird. I wish I didn't.


That is what's on my mind tonight. My regrets and the what-ifs. What if I would have said something to him about the way I felt, where would I be now? Would my life be any different? Would we have dated? (probably not, I have that whole self confidence issue thing) It's probably stupid to think about. I know it's stupid to be thinking about it at 1:30 in the morning on a Sunday night/Monday morning. I have work bright and early in the morning and the alarm will show no mercy at 6:45. No mercy at all.

Back to High School

Meet my high school, a place I called home for six years.
From 6th to 12th grades, in this one building.
They were some of the best times of my life.

When I started my job at my hometown newspaper a year ago, I knew there'd be experiences that I would have to deal with when they came up.

It didn't cross my mind then, but one of those experiences turned out to be walking back into my high school after leaving it five years before.

I was assigned to go take pictures of the high school art show. Something pretty mundane, right? Well, it should be been.I remember walking into those front doors, into those hallowed hallways and was instantly brought back to the days when I was walking to class with my friends, not having a care in the world.

Remember those days? All I had to worry about was studying for my next Algebra exam and whether or not the boy in my Biology class ever noticed me.. which he didn't. I didn't have to think about bills, grocery shopping, rent or whether or not my milk was okay three days after it expired.. which it wasn't.

When we're kids, all we wanted to do is grow up, be an adult and just leave high school as fast as possible and onto something bigger and better. Now that we're adults, we think about going back. How we could redo things, relive our glory days and just be young again.

And every time I go to a high school event, which I do a lot, I look at those kids and think of the futures they have in front of them. Where are they going to go to college? What will their major be? Will they stay in touch with their high school friends as much as they promise to? Will they succeed? I was in their place once. I remember how terrifying it was, how unsure of yourself you are. Now that it's over and gone, I wish I could go back and relive some moments.  

I recently attended a high school boys track meet and it definitely brought back memories for me. For those of you who don't know, which you shouldn't, at my high school, my best friend and I were the boys track managers. Those track meets were some of the best times of my high school career. We had the best times on the bus, at the meets and during practice. Those moments are the ones I'd like to relive. Me and my best friend, together in the same town, having a blast and being carefree. We got to check out really cute guys and hang out with great track coaches.

When I was taking pictures of the recent track meet, I hunted those coaches down and it made me even more sad. They're still the same great guys and I really wanted to be part of that group again. I saw their current managers sitting in bleachers, like we used to, covered head to toe because it was freezing, and just having a blast. I wanted to be them again. I wanted to be in those bleachers. We were almost in that exact same spot six or seven years ago. We were those girls. But now we're not. We're grown ups.

I guess going to that track meet really made me reminisce. Being back in that high school, where I walked across that stage, accepted my diploma and was excited to get the hell outta dodge, really makes me miss being that age. I know that it was six years ago and there's no going back, but I know that I'll have the memories forever.

When I go back up to the school now, I just smile and think about the times I spent there. I see the kids walk through the halls and picture myself there, walking with my best friend to our lockers and talking about boys. Being young and carefree.

Though I love reminiscing, it's time for me to focus on the life I have in front of me. Though yes, it can be hard and stressful, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I say that I wish I could go back, but if given the opportunity, I really don't think I would. That time of my life is over and it's time to be in the here and now.

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

Oh My Goodness!

That's my go-to phrase when I don't know what to say.
"Oh my goodness" or "Oh dear" are my favorites.

Yes, I don't know what to say. I haven't blogged since.. like October and now it's March and I feel like a jerk.

I would like to say a lot has happened since I wrote last, but.. OH WAIT IT HAS! That's right, this girl has finally moved out of her parents' house and into one of her own! It's a miracle.

I never thought it would happen, but it finally did and I am so excited about it. Let me tell you how it happened.

I remember going home from work and Mom was making supper. I was standing in the kitchen talking to her when my phone buzzed. I looked it and I had a Facebook message. It read:

"Hey Morgan. How's it going? Well, I just wanted to let you know that we have a 2-bedroom/1 bath house that will come up for rent Feb. 1 (it's surprisingly close to your 'rents house!) and wondered if you would be interested in renting it yourself or with a friend? It's a very nice little house.....
We haven't advertised yet, just thought I could extend an offer to you - if you're at all interested."

I kind of looked at my phone in shock. I had been thinking of looking into apartments and stuff, but I just hadn't gotten around to it yet. I saw that message and thought, "Is this my chance?"

Rent was pretty cheap (if you have a roommate, which I do) and I immediately thought of my friend and co-worker who has unhappy in her apartment.

It sort of snowballed from there. We saw the house, loved it, I made a budget to figure out if I could afford it (which I can if I cut out spending money on stupid things) and BOOM! we moved!

Moving was crazy. My whole family helped me, which I saw as payback for all the times I helped them move.

When I was moving out, I got really nostalgic. As I was packing, I got really sad because I was packing up my whole life. I had lived in that bedroom since I was two years old. Sure, I went to college, but I left all my stuff at my parents' house. This time, I packed up EVERYTHING.

When my room was empty and all my stuff moved into trucks, I sat on my floor and just looked at my room. I had picked out the paint and personally painted each wall. I picked out the carpet and helped my dad install it. Each nail hole represented a picture that will now be hung in my new bedroom. I had so many memories in that room and now it's not mine anymore.

But it got better when I set up my new bedroom in my new house. It took me a little while, but I'm okay now. It's been a month and I am doing well. I saw my old bedroom at my parents' house and they've already changed it up. It's like they were just waiting for me to leave! They started rearranging their stuff about two days after I left! I was like, whoa.. cool your jets guys!

It's nice, to be an adult and not have to answer to my parents every time I want to go some place or just sit on the couch all day and play my Sims 3.

Sure, money is tight. Tighter than tight, but I manage. It's all part of being an adult. Though sometimes it really sucks and there are things I really don't want to do, I have to suck it up and do it. Well, I'm supposed to do it. I haven't done some of the things I have to do yet.. like health insurance. Oops.

My roommate and I are getting along quite well. We've known each other for like.. six years so it's all good.

Though I'm pretty sure my grandma thinks I'm a lesbian. I know, right? Talk about weird. I was at my grandma and grandpa's house for Easter and she was asking me how I like my house. I told her great, I really like it. Then she asked me, "So, how does your lady friend like the house?"

My lady friend? Really Grandma? My lady friend?

I answered, "Well, my roommate really likes it."

Dear, sweet Grandmother. I like men. With penises. And beards. Just so you know. Thanks.

My weird dream

SURPRISE! 

Hello there, dear blog. I didn't do my monthly post in September, but that's what happens when a girl is busy, okay? Back off. 

And yes, I've been super busy. Being a sports photographer (both football, volleyball AND cross country), a writer, a designer and overall awesome person takes a lot of work. Trust. 

Anywhozle, I'm not writing this blog to update you on my life (which I just did), I'm writing to you about my extremely weird dream last night. More like a weird sequence of dreams. 

Here it goes: 

I went to sleep around 11:30 last night. I was tired from the football game and I just wanted to go to bed early (that's early for a weekend). 

I haven't been dreaming very often - or at least, I'm not remembering them. But these were different. These were.. especially weird to me. 

I don’t remember much from my original dream. I was sitting in a recliner, feet propped up, talking to a boy. I don’t know who though.  I felt like we were in one of my Sims houses.. weird, right? Anyway, two of my nieces come barreling into the room from the right. K – 11 and T – 6 hop on my lap, crying. I ask them what’s wrong, they say nothing. B – 7 come into the room from the left and is very upset. She hops on my lap too (it’s very crowded) and tells me her mom is mad and she’s crying. At that point, their mother walks into the room from the left and turns to me. She points at us and says ‘You’re little brother is dead and it’s all K’s fault.’

I wake up immediately. I looked at the clock and it was 4:00 a.m.. Okay, that’s was really weird. But I’ll go back to sleep. I grabbed my pillow and went back to sleep.

The only part of the next dream I remember is me and my sister-in-law discussing how we had the exact same dream the night before – the dream I just wrote about. All she remembered was walking into the room and yelling that her son was dead because of her oldest daughter.

Weird right? I dream about having the same as someone else?

And those aren’t the only dreams I had last night.

Apparently I’ve been watching too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer because I had a dream about that last night too. Except I was part of the Scooby gang as a witch, just like Willow. I was trapped at the apartment with a girl I went to high school with. Except, we weren’t really trapped. This part of the dream is really fuzzy. I remember going making several men appear in the apartment. We were looking for the right suitors for us when my magic backfired and all those guys started chasing us. That’s when the other Scoobys showed up. Giles was yelling at me because I was using magic for the wrong reasons. Willow was trying to help me make all the guys go away. The fight went through the town, under some buildings (weird again) and finally ended when we found this interesting magic wand that could do anything. ANYTHING. So we made all the guys disappear (at this point, some of my favorite Youtube stars showed up – like Shane Dawson, Jenna Marbles and Steve Greene) and we all chased the guys and got rid of them. But then we started using the wands to make our lives easier and Giles got pissed again and took it away.

That was the end of that dream.

My next dream takes place at Disneyland. It was a sort of competition and me and my friends were the judges. These two people (who looked like two kids in the high school I cover for my job and I see all the time) had to carve this new area of Disneyland out of trees. Morgan (yes, her name was Morgan – again, weird since that’s my name was well) made a jungle gym area. I remember it wasn’t very challenging. It seemed her area was geared toward little kids. I’m trying to remember the inside of her shop area. Inside the doorway, there were sculptures of Goofy and Donald Duck in kayaks. Inside was filled with Disney toys. The walls were full of sculptures of Disney characters. I can’t remember details. I do remember this one chair shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head – ears and all. That was fun. And it came apart, on purpose. I don’t know.

The other guy built an elaborate jungle gym and you had to go the right way to make it through to the shop. It was hard. And you had to go fast.. or maybe you didn’t have to but we did because we were racing. I’m not quite sure. Anyway – his shop area was huge! And it was like a flea market, but with really nice things. And there was a upper loft area full of people dressed up as Disney characters.. except Spiderman was there too – that’s not right. But there was a room off the side labeled junior’s area and I went in there to check it out and it wasn’t finished. Major points taken away. Boxes were sitting everywhere full of merchandised to be sold. Naughty Naughty dude who looks like a high schooler.

In the end, she won. They tore his down and Morgan’s got to stay in Disneyland.

Then I woke up. Very confused. I've never even been to Disneyland. 

FYI - I just Googled 'funny dreams' and a ton of pictures of Taylor Lautner showed up. HOW MUCH SENSE DOES THAT MAKE? 

That would be totally freaking cool! 

August. Woot.

It guess it is not time for my monthly post. You know, I have all these grand ideas in my head, what I want to write about, how often I want to write.. but then I never do. 

WHAT IS WITH THAT?

Okay, that was basically me yelling at myself. 

Unfortunately, this blog post will be short, due to the fact that it is currently 4:53 and I leave work in seven minutes. Seven! I am very excited by this, as you can tell with the appropriate pronunciation. 

Anywhozle, life is going as life goes. SUPER FREAKING FAST. I am in a state of shock, that August is more than half way over. Like, it just started Father Time, so slow your roll. 

It is now 4:55. MUST TYPE FASTER. 

Except when I type fast, I make more mistakes. Therefore, I have to delete more which takes up even MORE time, precious typing time. 

So yes, hello blog. I've miss you. Have you missed me? Probs not. It's okay, I don't hold it against you. 

What has been happening with my life, you ask? Well, let me tell you. 

I have been SUPER FREAKING BUSY these last few weeks, but I love it. I'd rather be busy then be sitting here day in and day out, sorting papers and listening to Justin Bieber on my iPod (though yes, that is what I do on my breaks). I have recently become a sports photographer and I LOVE IT. I have been to a total of one football game for work, but what a game it was! Okay, not really. My home team lost. Bad. But it was still awesome. To be on the sidelines, that close to the action! 

It is now currently 4:58. I must go. I know, this was so short. I'm sorry! I have to shut down my computer, gather my things, clock out and get the hell outta dodge... work... whatever. 

Peace. 

P.S. Look at my picture!

I took this picture. Me! I did it! I was very proud of myself. I didn't get run over or tackled (though yes, there were a few close calls) but it was awesome!!