Cookie Me and L-O-V-E

Something you may not know about me - I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If you do know me, you're probably thinking - uh, duh Morgan. You talk about Buffy all the time. 

I recently re-watched all seven seasons of my fav TV show (which I do periodically) and there are many funny and memorable quotes throughout the seasons. One really stood out to me. For background info, the end of the world is coming (surprise) and Buffy's ex, the beautiful Angel, comes to her aid. They talk about their future and if Buffy sees any man in hers. Buffy doesn't think she's quite ready for another serious relationship and doesn't know when she will be. This was her reason why:

"I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done." - Buffy, Season 7, Episode 22 - Chosen.

This is why the writers (especially Mr. Joss Whedon) are amazing because some of the things they say on that show just make me go - oh my God, that's me! Which, you know, in theory, there shouldn't be a lot of relation because Buffy is a vampire slayer and I am not, but still.. I digress.

I've obviously heard her say that before. I've watched the episode numerous times. But now, as my 25th birthday is approaching, I'm beginning to wonder where I am going to in my love life. I haven't had anything serious in QUITE some time, but then I wonder - well, am I ready to? Am I ready to share my life with someone when I haven't even really figured out who I am yet? Many of my friends are married, getting married and having children, and that's great for them. I'm glad they have figured their lives out. But people like me, well, we haven't yet.

It's that overused, common line - it's not you, it's me. Well, this time, it really is. I don't really know who I am, where I'm going - why should I subject my insecurities and questions on someone else?  I'm not at that part in my life where I can share it with someone else. I have to figure it out first. And having a family? Whoa, that's not even on my radar (which, if you have read one of my previous posts, is not really at all on my radar). How could I take care and be responsible for raising another person when I don't know who I am. How?? That's what baffles me about my friends who have children - holy crap, how are you ready to be a parent? How is that a thing? I just can't wrap my head around it. The same with the married ones. How are you a wife/husband? We're the same age, yet you know deep down that this person is the one you want to be with forever and share your life with? It's just hard to believe, that's all.

I know what some people would say - if I find someone, maybe they can help me figure me out. Maybe being with someone will help me find my path. Yeah, sure they could. But why should I rely on someone else to help me with something I should be able to do myself? I guess that's my independence streak talking again.

Watch out - this is where my post gets cynical.

I just can't help it. Maybe it's because I've never really been fully in love before, I just don't see the point of having a significant other in my life right now. I'm going to be 25, so that automatically means I need to be married or engaged. Um, no, not the last time I checked. I just have a hard time picturing myself with someone. Forever. And ever.

To death do us part is a big deal. I've seen fights, break ups, make ups - is it all worth it in the end? Why should I want someone who will just end up hurting me? Taking me for granted? Cheating on me? Leaving me for someone else? Disappointing me? Maybe I've just seen too many bad relationships within my family and friend circle that I'm jaded. I've seen people I love fall apart because of relationships. People get hurt. It's hard. Then why bother?

I think I've had some bad examples when it comes to the love department. My sister has had more boyfriends than I can count and some have ended quite badly. Most of the guys treated her like crap eventually and it never worked out. That's what I grew up with. My brother didn't exactly wow the ladies, but when he did, they weren't memorable. My parents went through a rough time when I was a teenager and my dad hurt my mom pretty badly (emotionally). I won't go into details, but I was pretty mad at my dad for quite awhile. But they worked it out (somehow) and I feel like they're happier now. But - yes there's always a but - they don't show their affection. We're not a lovey-dovey family. Maybe that's it. I don't remember being told "I love you" very often growing up, it was just always assumed. Yes, I knew they loved me, but they didn't say it. I have a hard time saying it to people now. Those word just sound strange coming out of my mouth. 

Anyway - my point is that I haven't had the best examples of a great love story in my lifetime. Both of my siblings are married now, though. My brother and sister-in-law seem happily married and it's great. I'm not sure what goes on behind closed doors, but they seem like they're in a good place. They've had their ups and downs but it's all good now, I hope. My sister, well, I can't decide on her yet. She and her husband have been married three... two.. four.. years now? and I just can't tell if they're happy. She tells me she wants to just leave him because he's a jerk to her, but then doesn't. Okay, well, do you love him? I just don't understand it.

"Oh, because being in love is like nothing you've ever experienced. It overpowers you. You feel so strongly for another person, you can't live without them." people might tell me. 

Well, is that a good thing? Don't get me wrong, I love my family and my friends. I'm talking about love - deep down in your heart you can't live without that person you think about them every day kind of deal here. I just don't get it. It's true, I've never truly experienced it.

I know, this is sort of going to 1,000 different directions, but my brain is doing that right now too. One thing leads to another thought and it's all a jumble.

What it boils all down to - is love worth it and is it real? Why risk putting myself out there for someone to maybe love, but then probably leave? Are those moments with them - those moments that I know that I love this person - worth the heartache and pain that will more than likely come? (Maybe I have a trust issue - that kind of sounds like a thing). Maybe once I'm done baking and I figure out who I am and what I'm doing and become cookies, I'll be ready to find someone - who loves me, whom I love in return, I trust and can see myself spending the rest of my life is. I doubt it, but we'll see.

Don't even get me started on love at first sight. That is just impossible. Are you freaking kidding me? You can't look at someone and go - yup, I love that person. I'm going to marry him/her. No, you look at someone and lust for them and think they've very attractive. There's a HUGE difference. I might write a separate post just on this topic because I have such strong feelings against it. 

random - I found this thread while trolling the Internet. This girl believes she's so ugly, she just can't be loved. That men suck and none are capable of love and that it's not real. 

http://www.wowwomen.com/boards/showthread.php?t=1944

That is the link. I think it's very interesting reading people's arguments for and against the idea of love. But this girl seems to just given up hope and hates herself, which may be a reason why she has not found someone. (after reading the full thread, I found out this girl is probably fake and she's ridiculous, but the advice those women gave was very informative and uplifting)

But there is a woman who makes argument that makes me think. She wrote, "There is an old saying that "love is blind" and that is indeed true but lust has eyes and not much else! I have been around this ol' world a long time (61 years) and can assure you that you need to have a GOOD relationship with yourself, to LOVE yourself before you are likely to find love from someone else. You need to be complete in yourself rather than looking for someone else to complete you. As to love, I KNOW there is such a thing as true love though it is very rare indeed while love is not uncommon at all. I have no doubt many people live their lives with someone out of "convenience" to to stave off the loneliness without ever being in love. Others find the simple, comfortable love and happily live their lives. A lucky few find true love and know the difference."

Maybe that's my problem. I haven't finished baking, I'm not ready to love someone? Hmm, lady, you may be on to something there. I'm definitely open to other people's thoughts and perspectives. 

I just wish I had all the answers and could see into the future. But then again, life wouldn't be very fun, would it?

**I saw this blog going an entirely different way when I started. Huh, weird.

The things that keep me up at night..

That title isn't as scary-sounding as it might seem. It's not like I have anything in my house that goes bump in the night... at least not yet.. It's just my brain and thoughts that keep sleep out of my reach.

This type of thing happens to me all the time. It's not really fair, but what can you do? I know I'm tired, I can feel it. Right now, my eyes are drooping shut and my eyelids feel like they weigh 100 pounds. But I try to lay down and go to sleep..

NOTHING.

If I were to picture what my brain looks like, I image there are hundreds of thoughts just buzzing around in there.. no rules, no traffic laws, just complete chaos.

There is one topic that is keeping me up tonight though. One in particular that is on the front burner.

A boy.

I know, go figure. Isn't is always?

This boy in particular I have known since early 2009. I met him in college. His name is Matt and I think I was in love with him for all those two and a half years during my college days.

Did he know it?

No! Because I was (well, still am) to insecure about myself to say something.

We met in my Intro to American Politics class my sophomore year of college. Well, I noticed him on the first day of class. I, of course, sat in the back corner and he sat in the front row (our desks were in a u shape in the room) so I had an excellent view of him.

Turns out, we also worked the same shift at the college cafeteria. And we worked side by side.

I recognized him right away when we showed up for our first shift. I couldn't believe that out of all the work shifts and all the student employees, we were on the same schedule.

Things got even better when we were assigned to work in the same area. I got to stand by him for three hours. THREE WHOLE HOURS.

I was assigned to scoop rice and he was my busser. I remember it like it was yesterday.

I don't know how I got up the courage to even talk to him. I was (well, still am) a complete chicken/wuss/scaredy cat and yet somehow, I managed to ask him a question.

I asked him, "Aren't you in Professor Whatshisname's Intro to American Politics class?" I knew he was, but I didn't want to say that to prove how much of a creeper I was.

And we hit if off from there. Just thinking about that time gives me butterflies because I seriously liked him from the first night we worked together.

That was probably the greatest semester ever, in relation to work. I had so much fun with him. Somehow, I struggled to keep up in politics class and that gave us something to talk about.

I was the first to initiate the friend request on Facebook, at the prodding of my roommate. She knew how much I liked him because I talked about him all the time. I mean, all the time.
Oh Matt said this and You'll never guess what Matt did today.

One of my favorite things he did was untie my apron. I don't know why, but it just made me smile. Every time he'd walk by me at work, he'd untie my apron. I pretended to get mad at him, but really I was thinking "oh my God he's paying attention to me. Please don't stop."
And he didn't.

We kept in contact over the summer (on Facebook, of course) and I couldn't wait to get back to school and get working with him again. Sadly, we did not have a class together again.. oh wait, yeah we did. We had another history class together, but I sat in the front with my friends and he sat in the back with his. I think that was the semester I didn't see him much because we didn't work together..

ANYWAY.

There are a few specific moments in our relationship that really stand out to me:

1. the moment I got his phone number. I think it was junior year and I had a project I was working on for my video production class. I really wanted a guy to be in it. I was eating in the Den with my roommate when he came up to us. I asked him about my project and pestered him until he said yes. Then I asked for his phone number so I could get ahold of him later and he said this: "I think you're just trying to find a way to get my phone number." I think I turned beet red and I stuttered. Well, what am I supposed to say to that? Oh uh.. well yeah it is. I really really like you. The ened.

2. the moment he had a girlfriend. I remember looking on Facebook and it popped up that Matt had changed his relationship status to IN A RELATIONSHIP. I about flipped out. My poor roommate was in our room and she knew how much I liked him. I yelled at my computer and she's said, "what in the hell is wrong with you?" I answered, "Matt has a girlfriend." That was all I needed to say and she understood. I think I stalked her almost instantly and she seemed really damn nice which pissed me off even more. Then, one night, I worked a shift with him (but not side by side) and all the employees ate supper together. It was a big table filled with lots of people, but he was sitting close to me and I could hear him talk about her. I just kept my mouth shut and I think he actually noticed that I wasn't talking. He didn't say anything and I didn't talk to him the whole shift. He stopped talking about her after that. Then they broke up and I felt bad for feeling happy about it.

3. the moment in the library. Can I just.. this is my favorite memory of him. It was literally the greatest night. I had to work on a paper for class and I went to the library to find a study room to write it. Well, it was finals time and all the rooms were full. As I was walking around looking for one, I looked in one room and saw Matt in there by himself. He waved at me, I waved back and kept going. As I walked away, I heard him open the door and come after me.
"Hey, do you want to share my room? I'm just in there by myself?"
I just stared at him.. uh yes! Well, I was freaking out because it would be just him and me in this little room. I think this was late junior year? Senior year? I can't keep everything straight.
ANYWAY. We worked in that room together until the library closed at midnight. It was so much fun. I don't know how I got my paper done because I was so damn nervous. I tried my hardest not to stare at him because we were sitting right across from each other at this little round table. I thought I could feel this charge between us, but I could have been imagining it. I do have quite the imagination. We walked together outside and he walked me to my building, even though it was out of his way. How sweet is that?

But did I ever mention to him that I liked him as more than a friend? Nope. Do I regret it? Yup. I might have missed out on something really special because I was too scared to put myself out there. Too scared to admit I liked him. What if he didn't like me back like that? Our friendship would have been super awkward after that. But that was the risk, right? High risk, high reward? But four years of silence.

Then, we graduated. He moved down to Des Moines and I moved back up north with my parents. Two years after graduation, he still lives down there and I still live up here. And I still like him. Though I know that there is no point to it and nothing will ever come of it, I still find myself lingering a little longer on his Facebook updates and thinking to myself, "Does he ever think about me? What's he doing right now?" I'm sure he doesn't, I bet I don't even cross his mind. But that's okay though. I get it.

Throughout the four years, I had my ups and downs with him. I would convince myself that there was no point in liking him because there was no way he would think that way about it. Just get over him. And I thought I did. Then I would see him again and he's make me laugh and I'd have to start all over.

I haven't seen him in two years and I still think about him. I know, it's stupid and weird. I wish I didn't.


That is what's on my mind tonight. My regrets and the what-ifs. What if I would have said something to him about the way I felt, where would I be now? Would my life be any different? Would we have dated? (probably not, I have that whole self confidence issue thing) It's probably stupid to think about. I know it's stupid to be thinking about it at 1:30 in the morning on a Sunday night/Monday morning. I have work bright and early in the morning and the alarm will show no mercy at 6:45. No mercy at all.

I'm waiting for Prince Charming

I grew up just like every other little girl. I loved watching Disney movies and seeing those princesses get rescues by a handsome prince. At one glance, they were instantly in love and during the whole movie, the prince had to save his princess from evil.

I think Taylor Swift was on to something when she sang "White Horse".

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town. I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around.

Well, I've seen a lot of guys in my life and I haven't had that one moment where I just knew that he was the one like Cinderella and Snow White did. I have been waiting for the eye contact, the spark, the music. Waiting for my Prince Charming to show up on his white horse and sweep me off my feet.

I must be reading too many romance novels because deep down I still believe that there is a guy out there for me, just one, and someday I'll find him. In a quirky, romantic way like they do in all the books I read. But logically I know that Prince Charming is not real.

Sorry girls, it's true. He does not exist. I'm not trying to sound cynical, but then again maybe I am.. a little. We are all looking for the same thing: a handsome, funny, smart, sweet, sensitive (but not too sensitive) man that will burst into our lives and save us from whatever evil is happening to us, be it an evil landlord or a wicked co-worker. Someone who'll love us for what's on the inside as well as the outside, on our good days and when our hair looks flat, make-up or no make-up. That about covers it, right? Well, God ladies, that's sort of hard to find!
I'm looking for that guy too. We all are. But how many of them are there? That aren't taken? That aren't gay? Yeah, we're getting into low numbers here. So what, the man your with isn't perfect, none of us are. Well, I'm done waiting.


 I'm not a princess and life is not a fairy tale. We have to understand that Prince Charming is not real (neither is Edward Cullen or Jacob Black) and move on with our lives. I know I can't wait any longer for my knight in shining armor to win my heart with his smile.

I'm not some love advice columnist, trust me on this. I've had such little luck with guys that I can't tell you anything about love. But I know enough about life to tell you like it is. I'm not going to hold anything back just because it doesn't sound nice.
As women, we can do one of two things. A) Keep wishing on shooting stars and hope things will change or B) Make the changes yourself. I understand that some things are harder than others, but you just can't sit around in your ivory tower and wait. Open that door, defeat that dragon and live your life.
But I still wish on stars, just in case. It never hurts.. right?

(If you're a guy, I'm not hating on you. You may be Prince Charming. Hell if I know)

Older people with a large circle of friends were 22 percent less likely to die during the study period than those with fewer friends

My topic of today is friendship, if you haven't guessed by the pictures above.

I guess I never realized how great of friends I actually have.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the close friends that I have, but I guess I

didn't realize how many I can count on.

And I have different categories.

A) The high school friends: they are the ones that I've known forever and probably will never forget in my lifetime. Seriously, these girls have been with me since kindergarten. They've known me the longest and knew what I was like growing up. But people change. I changed when I came to college. I grew into this person that I am today. I wasn't always like this. I was once a quiet, shy little girl that wouldn't speak her mind. Well that definitely went out the window.

B) My freshmen year friends: I met this group of girls my freshmen year of college. We all lived on the same floor and we just clicked. We had the same values and interests, and we all acted crazy. Now that I'm in my third year, we've stayed connected and they are some of the best friends that anyone could ask for. Some have come and gone, and that's unfortunate. But that's, I suppose. Like I said, people change. I don't know what I would do without this amazing group of friends that I have in my life right now. I always wonder what I would have turned out like if I had gone somewhere else, met a totally different group of people. Would I be different? Yeah, I believe so. They helped me change into a better, more mature person. I love them all so much and I hope they know that.

I'm sitting here, staring at a picture of my best friend from high school and her boyfriend. We used to be so close. I guess that's what happens when you go to different colleges. We drifted, but we still tried to make an effort. It makes me sad, but I haven't talked to her in about two months. We text sometimes, and email. But I actually haven't laid eyes on her since.. well since December. That was almost six months ago. That's just not right.

My roommate is a really good friend of mine. We hang out a lot. Recently she went overseas. I didn't know what I would do, since she was one of the people I liked to hang out with the most. But with her gone, I realized that I have so many other friends that I seemed to have neglected. Now, I have an opportunity to just be with them again and get to know them all over again. And I'm excited. For instance, I just spent an hour talking to a friend that I hadn't seen for almost two months. How sad is that?

Friendship is a two way street and anyone who tells you different is lying to you. It takes time and effort to build a friendship, but in the end it's worth it. You have a person you can trust with your secrets and to be there for you when you need it. Friendship is golden. I just wonder what I would do without these friends that I have.

So cherish the friends you have. Spend time with them. Don't let your relationship slip away. I know you're busy. We all are. But you still have to make time for them.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Definition-of-Friendship---A-Few-Facts&id=1267049

I found this interesting. What is the definition of friendship?