Cookie Me and L-O-V-E

Something you may not know about me - I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If you do know me, you're probably thinking - uh, duh Morgan. You talk about Buffy all the time. 

I recently re-watched all seven seasons of my fav TV show (which I do periodically) and there are many funny and memorable quotes throughout the seasons. One really stood out to me. For background info, the end of the world is coming (surprise) and Buffy's ex, the beautiful Angel, comes to her aid. They talk about their future and if Buffy sees any man in hers. Buffy doesn't think she's quite ready for another serious relationship and doesn't know when she will be. This was her reason why:

"I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done." - Buffy, Season 7, Episode 22 - Chosen.

This is why the writers (especially Mr. Joss Whedon) are amazing because some of the things they say on that show just make me go - oh my God, that's me! Which, you know, in theory, there shouldn't be a lot of relation because Buffy is a vampire slayer and I am not, but still.. I digress.

I've obviously heard her say that before. I've watched the episode numerous times. But now, as my 25th birthday is approaching, I'm beginning to wonder where I am going to in my love life. I haven't had anything serious in QUITE some time, but then I wonder - well, am I ready to? Am I ready to share my life with someone when I haven't even really figured out who I am yet? Many of my friends are married, getting married and having children, and that's great for them. I'm glad they have figured their lives out. But people like me, well, we haven't yet.

It's that overused, common line - it's not you, it's me. Well, this time, it really is. I don't really know who I am, where I'm going - why should I subject my insecurities and questions on someone else?  I'm not at that part in my life where I can share it with someone else. I have to figure it out first. And having a family? Whoa, that's not even on my radar (which, if you have read one of my previous posts, is not really at all on my radar). How could I take care and be responsible for raising another person when I don't know who I am. How?? That's what baffles me about my friends who have children - holy crap, how are you ready to be a parent? How is that a thing? I just can't wrap my head around it. The same with the married ones. How are you a wife/husband? We're the same age, yet you know deep down that this person is the one you want to be with forever and share your life with? It's just hard to believe, that's all.

I know what some people would say - if I find someone, maybe they can help me figure me out. Maybe being with someone will help me find my path. Yeah, sure they could. But why should I rely on someone else to help me with something I should be able to do myself? I guess that's my independence streak talking again.

Watch out - this is where my post gets cynical.

I just can't help it. Maybe it's because I've never really been fully in love before, I just don't see the point of having a significant other in my life right now. I'm going to be 25, so that automatically means I need to be married or engaged. Um, no, not the last time I checked. I just have a hard time picturing myself with someone. Forever. And ever.

To death do us part is a big deal. I've seen fights, break ups, make ups - is it all worth it in the end? Why should I want someone who will just end up hurting me? Taking me for granted? Cheating on me? Leaving me for someone else? Disappointing me? Maybe I've just seen too many bad relationships within my family and friend circle that I'm jaded. I've seen people I love fall apart because of relationships. People get hurt. It's hard. Then why bother?

I think I've had some bad examples when it comes to the love department. My sister has had more boyfriends than I can count and some have ended quite badly. Most of the guys treated her like crap eventually and it never worked out. That's what I grew up with. My brother didn't exactly wow the ladies, but when he did, they weren't memorable. My parents went through a rough time when I was a teenager and my dad hurt my mom pretty badly (emotionally). I won't go into details, but I was pretty mad at my dad for quite awhile. But they worked it out (somehow) and I feel like they're happier now. But - yes there's always a but - they don't show their affection. We're not a lovey-dovey family. Maybe that's it. I don't remember being told "I love you" very often growing up, it was just always assumed. Yes, I knew they loved me, but they didn't say it. I have a hard time saying it to people now. Those word just sound strange coming out of my mouth. 

Anyway - my point is that I haven't had the best examples of a great love story in my lifetime. Both of my siblings are married now, though. My brother and sister-in-law seem happily married and it's great. I'm not sure what goes on behind closed doors, but they seem like they're in a good place. They've had their ups and downs but it's all good now, I hope. My sister, well, I can't decide on her yet. She and her husband have been married three... two.. four.. years now? and I just can't tell if they're happy. She tells me she wants to just leave him because he's a jerk to her, but then doesn't. Okay, well, do you love him? I just don't understand it.

"Oh, because being in love is like nothing you've ever experienced. It overpowers you. You feel so strongly for another person, you can't live without them." people might tell me. 

Well, is that a good thing? Don't get me wrong, I love my family and my friends. I'm talking about love - deep down in your heart you can't live without that person you think about them every day kind of deal here. I just don't get it. It's true, I've never truly experienced it.

I know, this is sort of going to 1,000 different directions, but my brain is doing that right now too. One thing leads to another thought and it's all a jumble.

What it boils all down to - is love worth it and is it real? Why risk putting myself out there for someone to maybe love, but then probably leave? Are those moments with them - those moments that I know that I love this person - worth the heartache and pain that will more than likely come? (Maybe I have a trust issue - that kind of sounds like a thing). Maybe once I'm done baking and I figure out who I am and what I'm doing and become cookies, I'll be ready to find someone - who loves me, whom I love in return, I trust and can see myself spending the rest of my life is. I doubt it, but we'll see.

Don't even get me started on love at first sight. That is just impossible. Are you freaking kidding me? You can't look at someone and go - yup, I love that person. I'm going to marry him/her. No, you look at someone and lust for them and think they've very attractive. There's a HUGE difference. I might write a separate post just on this topic because I have such strong feelings against it. 

random - I found this thread while trolling the Internet. This girl believes she's so ugly, she just can't be loved. That men suck and none are capable of love and that it's not real. 

http://www.wowwomen.com/boards/showthread.php?t=1944

That is the link. I think it's very interesting reading people's arguments for and against the idea of love. But this girl seems to just given up hope and hates herself, which may be a reason why she has not found someone. (after reading the full thread, I found out this girl is probably fake and she's ridiculous, but the advice those women gave was very informative and uplifting)

But there is a woman who makes argument that makes me think. She wrote, "There is an old saying that "love is blind" and that is indeed true but lust has eyes and not much else! I have been around this ol' world a long time (61 years) and can assure you that you need to have a GOOD relationship with yourself, to LOVE yourself before you are likely to find love from someone else. You need to be complete in yourself rather than looking for someone else to complete you. As to love, I KNOW there is such a thing as true love though it is very rare indeed while love is not uncommon at all. I have no doubt many people live their lives with someone out of "convenience" to to stave off the loneliness without ever being in love. Others find the simple, comfortable love and happily live their lives. A lucky few find true love and know the difference."

Maybe that's my problem. I haven't finished baking, I'm not ready to love someone? Hmm, lady, you may be on to something there. I'm definitely open to other people's thoughts and perspectives. 

I just wish I had all the answers and could see into the future. But then again, life wouldn't be very fun, would it?

**I saw this blog going an entirely different way when I started. Huh, weird.