That title isn't as scary-sounding as it might seem. It's not like I have anything in my house that goes bump in the night... at least not yet.. It's just my brain and thoughts that keep sleep out of my reach.
This type of thing happens to me all the time. It's not really fair, but what can you do? I know I'm tired, I can feel it. Right now, my eyes are drooping shut and my eyelids feel like they weigh 100 pounds. But I try to lay down and go to sleep..
NOTHING.
If I were to picture what my brain looks like, I image there are hundreds of thoughts just buzzing around in there.. no rules, no traffic laws, just complete chaos.
There is one topic that is keeping me up tonight though. One in particular that is on the front burner.
A boy.
I know, go figure. Isn't is always?
This boy in particular I have known since early 2009. I met him in college. His name is Matt and I think I was in love with him for all those two and a half years during my college days.
Did he know it?
No! Because I was (well, still am) to insecure about myself to say something.
We met in my Intro to American Politics class my sophomore year of college. Well, I noticed him on the first day of class. I, of course, sat in the back corner and he sat in the front row (our desks were in a u shape in the room) so I had an excellent view of him.
Turns out, we also worked the same shift at the college cafeteria. And we worked side by side.
I recognized him right away when we showed up for our first shift. I couldn't believe that out of all the work shifts and all the student employees, we were on the same schedule.
Things got even better when we were assigned to work in the same area. I got to stand by him for three hours. THREE WHOLE HOURS.
I was assigned to scoop rice and he was my busser. I remember it like it was yesterday.
I don't know how I got up the courage to even talk to him. I was (well, still am) a complete chicken/wuss/scaredy cat and yet somehow, I managed to ask him a question.
I asked him, "Aren't you in Professor Whatshisname's Intro to American Politics class?" I knew he was, but I didn't want to say that to prove how much of a creeper I was.
And we hit if off from there. Just thinking about that time gives me butterflies because I seriously liked him from the first night we worked together.
That was probably the greatest semester ever, in relation to work. I had so much fun with him. Somehow, I struggled to keep up in politics class and that gave us something to talk about.
I was the first to initiate the friend request on Facebook, at the prodding of my roommate. She knew how much I liked him because I talked about him all the time. I mean, all the time.
Oh Matt said this and You'll never guess what Matt did today.
One of my favorite things he did was untie my apron. I don't know why, but it just made me smile. Every time he'd walk by me at work, he'd untie my apron. I pretended to get mad at him, but really I was thinking "oh my God he's paying attention to me. Please don't stop."
And he didn't.
We kept in contact over the summer (on Facebook, of course) and I couldn't wait to get back to school and get working with him again. Sadly, we did not have a class together again.. oh wait, yeah we did. We had another history class together, but I sat in the front with my friends and he sat in the back with his. I think that was the semester I didn't see him much because we didn't work together..
ANYWAY.
There are a few specific moments in our relationship that really stand out to me:
1. the moment I got his phone number. I think it was junior year and I had a project I was working on for my video production class. I really wanted a guy to be in it. I was eating in the Den with my roommate when he came up to us. I asked him about my project and pestered him until he said yes. Then I asked for his phone number so I could get ahold of him later and he said this: "I think you're just trying to find a way to get my phone number." I think I turned beet red and I stuttered. Well, what am I supposed to say to that? Oh uh.. well yeah it is. I really really like you. The ened.
2. the moment he had a girlfriend. I remember looking on Facebook and it popped up that Matt had changed his relationship status to IN A RELATIONSHIP. I about flipped out. My poor roommate was in our room and she knew how much I liked him. I yelled at my computer and she's said, "what in the hell is wrong with you?" I answered, "Matt has a girlfriend." That was all I needed to say and she understood. I think I stalked her almost instantly and she seemed really damn nice which pissed me off even more. Then, one night, I worked a shift with him (but not side by side) and all the employees ate supper together. It was a big table filled with lots of people, but he was sitting close to me and I could hear him talk about her. I just kept my mouth shut and I think he actually noticed that I wasn't talking. He didn't say anything and I didn't talk to him the whole shift. He stopped talking about her after that. Then they broke up and I felt bad for feeling happy about it.
3. the moment in the library. Can I just.. this is my favorite memory of him. It was literally the greatest night. I had to work on a paper for class and I went to the library to find a study room to write it. Well, it was finals time and all the rooms were full. As I was walking around looking for one, I looked in one room and saw Matt in there by himself. He waved at me, I waved back and kept going. As I walked away, I heard him open the door and come after me.
"Hey, do you want to share my room? I'm just in there by myself?"
I just stared at him.. uh yes! Well, I was freaking out because it would be just him and me in this little room. I think this was late junior year? Senior year? I can't keep everything straight.
ANYWAY. We worked in that room together until the library closed at midnight. It was so much fun. I don't know how I got my paper done because I was so damn nervous. I tried my hardest not to stare at him because we were sitting right across from each other at this little round table. I thought I could feel this charge between us, but I could have been imagining it. I do have quite the imagination. We walked together outside and he walked me to my building, even though it was out of his way. How sweet is that?
But did I ever mention to him that I liked him as more than a friend? Nope. Do I regret it? Yup. I might have missed out on something really special because I was too scared to put myself out there. Too scared to admit I liked him. What if he didn't like me back like that? Our friendship would have been super awkward after that. But that was the risk, right? High risk, high reward? But four years of silence.
Then, we graduated. He moved down to Des Moines and I moved back up north with my parents. Two years after graduation, he still lives down there and I still live up here. And I still like him. Though I know that there is no point to it and nothing will ever come of it, I still find myself lingering a little longer on his Facebook updates and thinking to myself, "Does he ever think about me? What's he doing right now?" I'm sure he doesn't, I bet I don't even cross his mind. But that's okay though. I get it.
Throughout the four years, I had my ups and downs with him. I would convince myself that there was no point in liking him because there was no way he would think that way about it. Just get over him. And I thought I did. Then I would see him again and he's make me laugh and I'd have to start all over.
I haven't seen him in two years and I still think about him. I know, it's stupid and weird. I wish I didn't.
That is what's on my mind tonight. My regrets and the what-ifs. What if I would have said something to him about the way I felt, where would I be now? Would my life be any different? Would we have dated? (probably not, I have that whole self confidence issue thing) It's probably stupid to think about. I know it's stupid to be thinking about it at 1:30 in the morning on a Sunday night/Monday morning. I have work bright and early in the morning and the alarm will show no mercy at 6:45. No mercy at all.
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