Clarity post rage

It's amazing what blogging can do.

I was so angry just a few hours ago, but being able to write out all my feelings on this blog made me feel so much better. Not good enough to call my mom and talk about it, but good enough to actually have a decent day today.

Like with a previous post. I wrote about a guy a liked in college, and the fact that I still liked him now. Well, after writing out all my feelings and confusion, I feel better about it. I've realized that the way I was feeling wasn't crazy (well, maybe a little) and now I think I'm finally over him. It's about time too, let me tell you.

So, blogging is healthy, I've decided. It's good for me and I'm glad I've finally found a way to get my feelings out. I know that no one reads this thing, so it's just a way for me to get things out without anyone judging me. Just me and my blog.

Officially not a child anymore

You've heard it here first. 
I am no longer a child, a teenager, a college student. 
I am a 23 year-old college graduate and there's no going back. 


A lot of people find it hard to believe. 
I dare say that I am one of those people. 
How did this happen? 


How am I so.. old?    
Ugh, 23.               (celebs who are 23: Adele, Aaron Carter, Blake Lively, Snookie, and Hilary Duff!)
I keep saying in my head that I'm 21. 


That ship has long sailed. 
I guess I now realize that we're all growing up. 
Life goes on. 


This isn't something new to me. 
I've known this for awhile now.. 
That life goes on and people get older. 


But I just never thought that I'd be this old. 
Maybe I would be like Peter Pan and never grow up. 
As a child I couldn't picture myself as an adult. 


I still can't. 
Maybe it's because I'm living with my parents. 
Working a part-time job. 


The work force scares the crap out of me. 
So does paying rent, buying groceries, being responsible. 
Seriously, kids have no idea how lucky they are. 


When we're young, all we care about is playing outside, 
video games, toys, friends, food, and homework. 
At least, that's what I liked when I was young. 


Haha, when I was young. 
I sound like I'm 60. 
Anyway, back to what I was saying.. 


Kids can be so care-free, have no worries or responsibilities. 
They just live and have fun and do whatever. 
And sometimes do homework, if they want to. 


But now, as an adult, it's kind of overwhelming. 
All of a sudden you have to do all of this stuff 
and pay all of these bills and BE AN ADULT. 


And I guess right now I just feel like I'm wandering. 
But according to J.R.R. Tolkein, 
"Not all who wander are lost." 


So that gives me hope, I guess. 
I'm not lost, I'm just confused about what I'm going to do with my life. 
Will I find a job that I love, or even just like and tolerate. 


Get my own apartment, decorate it, cook for myself. 
All things that adults do. 
I just can't believe I am one of them. 


Enough of that rambling.. 
In other news: 
1)
A member of my community was diagnosed with colon cancer not long ago and the prognosis is not good. When I delivered pizzas back in high school, I went to his house at least twice and week and he was always one of my favorite customers. He is such a nice man and has a wonderful family. 


Sometimes I wonder why these things happen to SUCH good people. I try to put my faith in God but it's just not fair. I'm not going to get into the whole religion thing, but this is one of things that always cross my mind. How am I supposed to believe in a God that lets things like this happen to people like Kenny, my aunt, my grandmother, and to millions of people around the world. But then I get these moments where I just know and feel there is a God. I find it all very confusing. 


I just ask that whoever reads this, please pray to whatever God you believe in, or just think about him if you don't believe at all. 


2) 
In sad but not has horribly sad as the above, my dearly beloved iPod, Filbert, has gone missing. I suspect he is gone forever and it saddens me, deeply. I loved that iPod and now it's gone. That is a picture of him, he was a deep purple and had almost 1,500 songs in his memory.  If you find him, you must let me know immediately. His last known location was in my pocket at Riverside Lutheran Bible Camp (ironic, with #1 and all - one of those moments I felt he was real). 


3) 
I'm going to be posting a list of random facts about me. Why? Because I can. I'm currently creating a list. Because I'm bored. 


4) 
I think I'm actually going to sit down and write something soon. Book/short-story related. Watch out for that. 

Okay, here it is..

The day that we've all been waiting for.
Can you guess it?

Well, I guess it's not that day... YET. But still.
It's coming.
And super fast.

Graduation. From college. Holy crap.
I'm going to be a graduate. An alumnus. Forever an adult.
And it's so hard to believe.

I'm curious how the time went by so fast.
It feels just like yesterday I was packing up my things
and going to college, leaving home for the first time.

I was terrified.
Everyone has that fear that they're not going to make friends.
They're going to be alone.

Right away, I realized I wouldn't have the feeling.
The girls on my floor were the coolest people ever.
And my roommate was just like me.

I got so lucky.
Those girls are still some of my really good friends.
College wouldn't have been the same without them.

I can still picture our dinner table.
With 16 maximum at one of those small round tables.
With trays, no doubt. We had to learn to live without elbow room.

It was nice, finding friends that are just like you, yet completely different.
Each has their own personalities, but we're all alike in some ways.
Mostly, we're all just loud.

There are two people on this campus I can truly call my best friends.
They're like sisters to me and I don't know what I would do without them.
Seriously, I would be a completely different person without them in my life.

It might sound corny, but you do meet lifelong friends at college.
I know I have. I have the best friends anyone could ask for
and they're not going anywhere. They will always have a place in my heart.

Sure, high school friendship are still there, but it's not the same.
Bonding in college, over late-night study sessions and random adventures to Walmart,
You just can beat that. Those experiences stay with you forever.

No matter where I go in life, what I do, who I meet, these people that I met here..
The ones I truly call my friends,
Will stay with my the rest of my life.

I came into college completely lost.
I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life
And I was confused.

My major was "Undeclared" and I took the most random classes.
Everyone said, "Oh she's just exploring. She'll figure it out."
It took me awhile, but I did finally figure it all out.

I think it was the influence of my freshman year roommate.
She told all about this "Intro to Comm Arts" class she was taking.
I thought.. hey, what the heck. I'll take it to.

And I fell in love with it.
Sometimes I wonder if I should tried something more practical.
Computer Information Systems or Financing. Heck, even Organic Chem.

Some major that would get me a high paying job
and leave me secure for life.
But it would have bored me to tears.

I love writing and it's something I've been doing since I was a wee tot.
There was no way I was giving it up.
Just for a big paycheck.

They say you come to college to get a better job.
Make a better life for yourself.
Get the fancy degree.

All that is important, I'd agree.
But I think people should come to college to find themselves.
Find their passions.

Before I ventured to school, I was.. hmm what's the right word?
Well, I wasn't unique.
I was trying to fit in with everybody else. Be cool.

That's what high school is about.
Fitting it. Be like everyone else.
Be popular.

Everything's different in college.
Sure, there are cliques.
But it's cool to be different.

And that's what I found here, at Wartburg.
I found that I don't have to be like everyone else.
I don't have to conform to what others like.

I can be myself and people actually like me for it.
I can do things just for me and love it.
I found the real me here, the one I'd been searching for for a long time.

Sure, I'm going to miss this place.
And the people.
And the fountain.

Waking up to the smell of chocolate.
I can walk anywhere in under ten minutes.
People clean my bathroom.
Meals are prepared for me.
I can be walking across campus and say hi to ten people.
Laying on the ground and not worry about looks from others.
Feeding squirrels.
Chasing squirrels.
Midnight walks on the bike trail.
Breakfasts at Perkins.
Caramel Cocoas.
The Mensa, yes I said it.

But overall, I'm just going to miss the people.
My professors, my favorite staff members.
My roommates, my friends.
My best friends in the whole world.

I am going to miss this place.
No matter how much it cost me each year.
And that I'll be in debt until I'm 60.
I don't care.

I had the time of my life here.
This place has been home for me for four years.
It will forever be my alma mater.

The next time I write, I'll be a college graduate.
Wish me luck!
I hope I don't cry too much.

2011, A New Beginning

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. 

Welcome to 2011, the year of my college graduation. The last full year before the end of the world (2012 and everything). In the words of Oprah, "Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right."

I wanted to update you on what happened to my grandma. Unfortunately, she passed away on December 19th. It was pretty rough on my whole family. Her funeral was Thursday, two days before Christmas. I cried, which was to be expected. My five year old cousin was in tears throughout the funeral, which just made it worse for me. She's so young and it's hard for her to understand why Grandma isn't coming back. 

I think I cried more for my grandpa and aunt than my grandma. I've come to terms with her death, but I feel so bad for them. They lived with her and were the closest to her. Now they're lost without her. My grandpa has never paid bills. After her death, he wrote a check to the city he lived in. Now who is going to cash that Grandpa? The mayor? All joking aside, I know my grandma is in a better place, mostly fishing with my aunt in heaven. I wonder how many fishing poles they've lost so far. 

Christmas was different this year. On the one hand, no one was really in the mood since my grandma had just passed away. But on the other hand, we sort of hand Christmas in shifts for the first time ever. I guess that's what happens when people grow up and have families. Well, this girl has not grown up yet nor does she plan on having a family ANY time soon. Anyway, I got a Wii which was really not expected. I also got a pair of jeans, a sweater, an iHome, a fleece jacket thing, a jewelry tree, a Maurices gift card (which I am spending on Wednesday) and a DVD. I had a pretty good year. 

People are always asking what I want to do before I die, my bucket list for instance. Well, one of the things on my list it to be in Times Square in NYC on New Year's Eve. How awesome would that be? 

Unfortunately, I did not spend my New Year's Even at this place. I went to a party that my sister had. Whoa, quite the party. This was my first official I'm-going-to-celebrate-as-an-actual-adult NYE. But I didn't drink much because my friend brought her jerk of a boyfriend, creating unneeded drama. The Cliffnotes version? I almost punched the guy in the face. Crazy right? I totally know this. 

On an extremely positive note, I'm going to Chicago this weekend! A couple of months ago, I was looking at my favorite band's website, Shinedown, and noticed they were going to be doing a concert in Chicago, and I looked at ticket prices on another website. I noticed that there were tickets available for Wicked (http://www.wickedthemusical.com/) which I have always wanted to see. One thing led to another and my two best friends and I were going! 

Now, the time is here. And I couldn't be more excited. I've never been to Chicago and it should be a great time. 

I'm currently working on a project. I'm putting four years of college pictures together to make a nice DVD. Maybe I'll give them to my friends are presents? Oh, that's a good idea. Go me. But yes, it's crazy to think that I will be done with college soon. But I'm excited for the future.


Like I said, this is 2011 - A New Beginning. I'm graduating, starting over. I'm taking this thought and I'm going to make it last. It's only four days into the year and I've had lots of people ask me what my New Year's resolution(s) is/are. Well, let me think about it. 
1. Learn to manage my money. Right now, I'm really bad at it. 
2. Don't move in with parents after graduation (okay so I don't know if this is a resolution or a goal or what, but I definitely want to follow through with it)
3. Create and stick to a regular work out schedule. 
4. Try new foods 
5. I'm also going to try Project 365, taking a picture every day. We'll see how it goes. I might post them here. I might post them on Fliker. I haven't decided. 
Those sound good to me. Hopefully I'll stick to them. 

I must depart now, but I just wanted to update my dear blog about my life. I'll be more witty and clever next time. I hope.