My dog died today

09/12/93-12/16/11

I've had mostly one dog my whole life. When I was really little, we had a couple and I don't really remember them. But when I was five or six, we got Tedo. He was so small, he fit right into the palm of my hand.

I remember the day we got him too. I was getting a haircut. I was sitting in the barber's chair when my mom walked in with a little black ball of fur in her hand. I squealed, jumped out of the chair and squeezed him real tight.

He was my dog. We had a bond almost instantly. He followed me everywhere. He'd always sit on my lap, lay down next to me, what have you. He was so cute.

He hated it when I sang, though. He'd always howl along, telling me that I was awful enough to make him cry. But I kept doing it and he kept howling. Then, it morphed into saying my name really loud and he'd howl. It was hilarious.

There was one time, in the summer, and I was home from college. I had stayed up super late the night before, like 3 AM, and wanted to sleep in. But my mom came and woke me up around 5AM, telling me that Tedo had run away. He had gotten loose from his chain and wandered off.

We looked for hours. And we couldn't find him. I was devastated. I wasn't ready to lose him yet. I hadn't prepared myself for his death. So, when we had given up our search, I went up to my room and cried. And cried. And cried until I finally cried myself to sleep.

My mom woke me up again a few hours later, telling me that someone had called and told her that they spotted Tedo, wandering around two blocks away. I jumped out of bed, still in my pajamas, and took off. We drove around forever, until we saw him entering a field - mostly weeds and tall grass, and I panicked. I didn't know how I was going to find him in all that grass. But I did. He came walking out about ten feet away from me and just trotted along, like what he was doing was every day business. I yelled at him, told him to stop. He didn't even acknowledge me. I ran right out of my flip flops and caught him. He was freaked, at first. It was extremely hot, so he was disoriented and confused, thirtsy to all get out.

I was elated. I hugged him super tight, just like I had when we first got him. But that's when we realized something. He was going deaf.

Three years have gone by since that time, and he has only gotten worse. He was completely deaf, 3/4 blind, and he was losing weight so fast. We couldn't brush him or give him a bath, his fur would just fall off. We took him to the vet and found out he had diabetes really bad and that no amount of medication would make things better.

I think I was in denial. I didn't want to hear that Tedo was slowly dying. I couldn't believe it. My mom and dad asked me if we should put him to sleep. I said no, and that was the end of it. I wanted him around as long as possible. He was my dog, the one I'd had my whole life. I couldn't just send him to his death. I thought putting dogs to sleep was awful.

Lately, he'd been losing control of his bowels, peeing everywhere. I think he was confused. He probably thought he was outside and he could just pee whenever. He would often just stand around, looking lost and confused. Like he didn't know where he was. Then he would see me and walk over to me, hardly ever leaving my side. (except to sleep, which he did 98% of the time). Though he couldn't really see, he always found me.

I just feel like I let him down, I let him suffer. It was obviously he was in pain. And did I do anything? No. I just pretended that he was okay. And now he's gone. Forever. I'll never get to pet him again. Yell at him. Trip over him. But that's a part of life, I suppose. Life, death, taxes.

I know he's better now, no longer in pain, laying down in the sun patch in the sky. He loved laying in the sunshine, rolling around in the grass, just being weird. He was a good dog. I'm going to miss him. I feel silly for getting so emotional about it, but I can't help it. I hold all my tears and sadness inside until I can't take it anymore and one tear falls, then another, until I'm crying like a baby. But I'll be okay, eventually. Life is just hard sometimes.

Hello Adulthood!

Oh hey you.
How ARE you?
Me? Oh I'm fantastic.
Want to know why?

I'M EMPLOYED!
I might be a little excited.
I can't help it.
And it's a place I like! Whoa.

I am now an employee of the Sumner Gazette
my local, hometown newspaper.
I LOVE IT.
Just sayin.

I get to a whole bunch of new stuff
like subscriptions and working with circulation.
The lady I work with is adorable.

She calls me kid, kiddo..
today she called me tooty fruity.
That was new.

But there are several things I've learned about the newspaper business so far:

1) Everyone talks to themselves. It's like I was meant to work in newspaper. I talk to myself all the time. I hum a lot here, but no one listens to music except the girls that work in the mailroom. They're pretty boss. The press scares the crap out of me though.

2) Always keep a pen behind your ear. Seriously, I put down my pen for a second and I lose it immediately. I need a pen about every two minutes so up there is a safe hiding spot. Especially beneath all of my hair. That thing ain't going nowhere.

3) Everyone chips in. So far, I've edited pictures, proofed stories, layed out pages, designed ads, stuffed inserts into papers, answered phones, ran the cash register. EVERYTHING. It's crazy. I love it .

4) My office is haunted. Okay, they told me it's not haunted but I'm currently in the office and it's 8:06 p.m. and there are noises everywhere. It might be the bar next door that's making all the noise. Still, it's spooky.

5) There is no dress code, really. No one cares what you wear but you. I like sweaters.

So yeah, I really enjoy it. Long hours, but hey, how else do you make money?

No, I'm not becoming a prostitute or selling a kidney on the black market. I'm not that desperate.. yet.

Hey baby, what's your sign?

Ah yes, the ever corny pickup line. But does it really matter? Are certain signs more compatible than others? 


I've done some research and my conclusion is... wait for it.. the suspense is killing me.. 


NO. I know, it's crazy shocking right? Someone people live and breathe based on their "sun signs" and who is compatible with whom (maybe who? Oh hell, I don't know). And I think it's just silly. 


So, say this situation happens to you. You meet someone at a bar/restaurant/club/roller rink/whatever and you get to know them. You find out their birthday and immediately look up their horoscope and if you're astrologically compatible. 


The internet tells you no. You'll end up hating each other because your Taurus sign and his Cancer sign will end up tearing each other apart. Yeah, belief that. You'll end up using your horns and stabbing through his crabby shell. It'll be crazy. 


So what do you do? Do you end things because you're not compatible signs? No. You do not. That would be crazy. If you research it enough, you'll find out that our signs really have NOTHING to do with your lives. You are yourself, your own personality. Your life is not dictated because you were born on a certain day and are a certain sign. 


Sure, you look up characteristics of your sun sign and find that Oh My GOD, they all fit. Well, I did that and I thought that too. But some of those qualities are prominent in a LOT of other people. Not just Cancers. (Yes, I'm a Cancer. The wishy-washy sign. Awesome). I looked up a Scorpio's list and guess what, those characteristics applied to me too. It's crazy! 


I think we each find ourselves in every sign. Apparently, Cancers are the criers of the zodiac community. I know Cancers who don't even cry at funerals. And I also know Cancers who will cry during emotional commercials (that would be me. Those stupid PETA ads get me every time). There is no set Cancer personality. We're all different. 


Don't get me wrong, I got really into astrology awhile ago. I think it mostly had to do with looking up celebrities, finding out their birthdays, then determined if we were meant to be together (Josh Gates and I would make a perfect couple, astrologically-wise anyway. He's a Leo). 


But I don't let my horoscope ruin my day. If it says "You'll experience a great loss today", I'm not going to freak out. It usually turns out that I just lose my favorite pen. No biggie. It's just fun to read. If it happens to be correct, yippie. If not, oh well. I read it just for fun. 


Sorry for the random rant, this was on my mind today. I just recently figured out I was born on a cusp, which is when you're born on the first or last day of your sun sign. So, that's cool. I'm still not going to get a tattoo of my two signs together, like some people have done. That's just silly. 

Happy Election Day!

Oh, you didn’t know it was election day? Well, surprise! I wish it was the presidential election, but sadly no. Just the little stuff. I’m so tired of watching those TV commercials and the debates. I don’t believe any of it. I just go with what my guts says. What does it say? Don’t vote for Republicans. (I’m laughing a lot on in the inside.. Go Dems!)

In case you didn’t know this, I’m currently unemployed. So, what do the unemployed do with their unfortunate free time? 

1) look for jobs 

2) always tweaking the resume and writing cover letters and 

3) doing random things

 Right now, I am doing number three. I’ve had enough of one and two for awhile and I’m taking a break for a day or two. Of course, in my one/two day hiatus, my dream job will become available and then be filled by someone “more qualified” and with “more experience”.  *sigh* don't get me started.. 

Again, if you’re a loyal reader of my blog, you’ll know that I started to write a story. It wasn’t very long –only a few paragraphs – and it didn’t really have much meaning or anything. I’ve been working on it some more in my “free time”, developing a plot, structure, characters, the works. I even have a working title: Gibson, by Morgan Bergmann. Sounds nice, no?

                

Yeah maybe – it’s a working title.

                

Today is the perfect day to write too. It’s cloudy, rainy, and cold. I am currently sitting on my made bed (which I don’t do very often) in my very clean room (first time in a long time), wearing my favorite sweater, with a dog asleep next to me, a laptop in my lap and a cup of hot chocolate (with the little marshmallows) in my favorite gingerbread man mug next to my typewriter (yes, I have a typewriter).

The only weird thing about this is Sex in the City is on TV and I’m watching it. I don’t watch Sex in the City. So yeah, it’s weird.               

A lot of people don’t understand why I’m writing anything. To quote those people:

                

“It’s not going to come to anything” 

or 

“Shouldn’t you be doing something more productive with your time, like job hunting” 

or my favorite 

“Why? That just sounds like a waste of time”.

               

Wow, that makes me feel so great about myself anonymous people. You’re so nice. My answer to these people is this:

                

“I write late at night, from 11-2 in the morning. What should I be doing at that time other than sleep? Should I be job hunting then?”

                

They’re silent . HA! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. I do a secret checkmark in my mind, chalk one up for Morgan.

                

But yes, unemployment has allowed me to do some things I otherwise wouldn't. I get to write, I get to see my nieces and nephews a lot more, hang out with friends.. The downside? No money. And that's a pretty big downside. 

Anyway, that was all I had to say. So here is an excerpt from my story/book/thingy: 

       My bedroom door was closed and my parents had removed all the posters I had on the outside. Did they change everything on the inside too? Or is it all the way I left it when I was 17? My hand turned the knob and I was immediately transported to my teen years.

      It still smelled the same, like my lavender and vanilla candles, both of which were still sitting on my desk. The corkboard on the wall was covered with pictures. My sister and me, my old dog Rusty, my best friend Beth, our group of friends at a birthday party, all left untouched. Old books were lined up alphabetically on my bookshelf, mixed with the knickknacks that I loved to collect.

     It looked like the seventeen-year-old me could come strolling through the door any moment and pick up where I left off. I didn’t take anything personal with me to college, except for a few photos of my family. I wanted to start completely over.

     A framed picture of Beth, dusty from my absence, sat my by bed. We were so happy then, our smiles innocent and full of life. God, we were so young. I picked it up and held it close. Beth was the reason I left this town. I couldn’t stand the looks, the whispers behind my back. People were judging me for things I hadn’t done. I put the picture down and closed my eyes and

     I heard the screech of the tires, 

     Beth screaming, 

     People yelling,

     A knock on my door brought me out of my daze before I went fully under. My doctor told me the black outs were a result of the accident. He didn’t know if they’d ever go away, a seemingly permanent reminder of what I had done. This trip was going to be harder than I thought.                 

Why Josh Gates is the perfect man

So, if you’re a loyal reader of this blog, you’ll remember a post that I wrote a long time ago (yeah, probably not. I won’t hold it against you if you have to look it up) I had a dream about Josh Gates. We hunted Big Foot together. It was amazing.

You don’t know who Josh Gates is? Well, God invented Google for a reason. Look him up. Quick-like. Okay, if you're too lazy to open a new tab, type in Google (or if you have Google Chrome, it's so much easier! I love me some Google Chrome. Just sayin'), I'll include a picture. 

He’s hot, right? Not like a.. preppy, perfect, metrosexual, manscaped way. But like a real man. Women don’t want a dude who spends more time on their appearance than we do. We (and by we I basically mean me) don’t a guy who is worried about his manicure or how his hair is out of place.

No. Quite a shocker, huh? I love men like Hugh Jackman, Gerard Butler, and Josh Gates. A real manly man. Who can open jars and reach things up high and beat people up if I need them too (you don’t know when that will come in handy).

I drew this myself. I'm an artist, what can I say? 

Josh is really tall, like 6’3”, and sometimes towers over people. Especially if he’s investigating somewhere with a generally shorter population (cough cough, China). Imagine him walking in a mall in China and just standing a head above everyone else. I’m laughing really hard at the image. (see my drawing on the left) It’s great. And he’s not small either, like.. weight-wise. He’s a good sized guy and I love it. LOVE it.

I hate the producers of that show. Seriously, can we get more opportunities to see Josh shirtless because that would be great. Kthanx. Being the creeper than I am, I looked up shirtless pictures of him on Google. NOTHING! Damn it Josh, just take it off.

Also, a man won’t make it far with a woman unless he has a sense of humor. Josh definitely has one of those. The main reason I watch his show, Destination Truth (DT), is because of his commentary. And the way he interacts with the locals and makes fun of their crappy transportation (is that on purpose or do they just have really bad luck? Because seriously, they always drive the worst cars). His jokes aren't just funny, they’re smart and witty.  And it’s great. He is just so funny, I crack up the whole episode (well, until the end and then I get sad because it’s over).

Don’t get me started on his face. Okay, you did so know I’ll tell you what I think. It’s beautiful. Those eyes.. *sigh*. And that smile of his is just plain adorable. Look at it. How cute is that? He's just so excited to be holding that chicken! His beard? It’s fantastic. A lot of men can’t pull it off, but he can. I love that it’s red. That makes is just that much better.

Okay, this is getting kind of creepy. Well, actually, it got creepy basically in the first sentence. But come on, Josh seems like the perfect guy. Okay, not perfect, but pretty darn amazing. I’d take him in a heartbeat. I could be that girl he comes home to after a long investigation. I can see him coming home, putting his suitcase on the floor, his clothes still rumbled from the flight. I’m in the kitchen, making dinner...

Oh God, it got creepy again.

Is This Heaven?

If you're an Iowan, you definitely know the answer to this question. Or have seen the movie Field of Dreams. You should, it's pretty great. I've been to the FOD twice and it was great both times. 


Anyway.  That's my topic of conversation today. Iowa.

If given a map of the United States and asked to point to Iowa, most people wouldn’t know where to put their finger. First, they usually point toward Idaho. 

Nope. Wrong. Their next guess is usually Ohio. 

Still wrong. “I honestly don’t know. Here maybe? I think I’m at least close. It’s somewhere in this area” And they kind of circle Nebraska. 

Close. They've got the general idea. We are there somewhere. 

I don’t know how you can live in the United States, especially those born and raised here, and not be able to identify all 50 states. I mean, seriously? Did you not pay attention in geography? Do you live under a rock? City people.. *shakes head in disgust*

I think people from states like Iowa feel a sort of pride. Nothing ever happens here, no one really talks about us, so whenever someone mentions us.. we get excited. Or at least, I do.

For example:  I was watching an episode of Criminal Minds the other day. If you haven’t seen Criminal Minds, we can’t be friends. It’s hilarious and serious at the same time. Plus, Derek Morgan (Shemar Moor) is damn sexy. Not just sexy, but reaaally sexy. He has this voice that is just so deep.. and those chocolate brown eyes that stare straight into your soul and pull at your heartstrings.. excuse me a moment. I have to go stand in front of the freezer to cool off.

(yells from kitchen) Does anyone have a fan? My God.  Let’s stay away from the Derek Morgan/Shemar Moore subject before I completely melt.

Anyway, I was saying.. I was watching Criminal Minds and they said they had a case to attend to in… wait for it… Council Bluffs, Iowa! I did a double take. Did I hear that right? They said Iowa! Alright! 

I know it’s a weird thing to get excited about, but Iowa never gets any attention (except around election time, whoopdedo). It just seems strange that a popular TV show would base on of their episodes here in Iowa (they didn’t actually come here, I don’t think. Why would they come here? Have you seen Iowa?)

If I’m reading a book and I notice they say something about Iowa, I like that book a little better.

It seriously might just be me. I love it when people pay attention to Iowa. It’s kind of a great place to live. Sure, there’s not too much to do, but that’s why you have to be creative. Make your own fun (but not like, stupid Youtube video of you jumping off of a building “fun”. 

That’s just not smart at all. People, get hobbies). We Iowans have to be creative or there is a possibility we would go stir crazy.

The people here are nice. I mean, almost too nice. I live in a small town, roughly 2,000 people, and people wave at me all the time. People I don’t even know! It’s… nice.

Iowa is just.. nice. Well, in some places. Others, maybe not so much. But the Iowa that I know is. Fo' sho. 

I even looked up famous people from Iowa. They include: 

Johnny Carson - Corning

Lee De Forest - Council Bluffs. Apparently he invented this thing called the Audion, a vacuum tube that takes weak electrical signals and amplifies them? Good on ya. 

William "Buffalo Bill" Cody - Scott City 

Herbert Hoover - West Branch. Yeah, that's right. The president of the US. 

John Wayne - Winterset

Cloris Leachman - Des Moines 

Laura Leighton - Iowa City. Apparently she's an actress on Melrose Place. Yup. So that's fun. 

Two people from Lost? Michael Emerson and Evangeline Lilly. 

James T. Kirk - I don't care if he's fictional. Still cool. 

Shawn Johnson -  Des Moines 

Tom Arnold - that dude from Roseanne. I don't know where he's from though. 

Dallas Clark - he plays for the Colts. He was my favorite player for the Hawks in his hay day. 

Zach Johnson - the golf dude. He won something once.. 

Ashton Kutcher - Cedar Rapids. And he's hilarious. 

Elijah Wood - No, Frodo! (you would only get that if you watch Elmify on the Youtube) - Cedar Rapids 

Yeah so, that's about it, that I care about anyway. How fun is that? Go Iowa! 

It's not a bad state, despite the rumors. Sure, we produce a lot of corn and it smells like a farm pretty much everywhere you go but you get used to it. 

Next time you fly across the country, don't forget to wave at us! We're the ones in the middle. 

Are you afraid of the dark?

It's an interesting word, fear.

fear   /fɪər/   noun

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. 

2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling:
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude
4. reverential awe, especially toward God:
5. something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; something a person is afraid of

Everyone is afraid of something. Heights, dogs, flying, the dentist, the dark, small spaces, public speaking, you name it. I'm sure there isn't one thing on this planet that isn't feared by someone.

I can tell you my fears: the dentist, bugs, spiders, snakes, the people in costumes and amusement parks, medicine cabinents.

Yes, I'm afraid of medicine cabinents. I'll set the scene for you. A young woman walks into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She opens the medicine cabinent to get her tooth brush and tooth paste and closes it. BOOM! There is a person standing behind her. She screams and turns around, nothing's there. Oh, she writes it off as her imagination, she must be tired. She should get more sleep. So she brushes her teeth, la la la, and opens the cabinent back up to but her stuff in there. She closes it. BOOM! That person is there again. This time when she turns around, he's still there. And she is murdered.

That scene, or something like it, is in so many horror movies, it's ridiculous. The first time I saw it, I never wanted to have a medicine cabininet ever. But then what do my parents do, they get one for my bathroom.

Talk about terrifying. Every time I went to close it, I closed my eyes. It's still kind of scary, though I know the fear isn't warrented.

Two of my biggest fears, though, aren't tangible: change and failure. Who isn't afraid of failing? Being a disappointment? Deciding to do something but then be so bad at it, you're ashamed? That's terrifying. But that fear can also hold me back. I decide not to do something because I'm afraid I might fail, I miss the opportunity to learn something from it.

You know that saying, learning from your mistakes? I can't do that because I'm afraid to make mistakes. It stinks. Royally.

And the fear of change can be crippling. The two of them combined don't really go well.

But I think the best medicine for fear is to just try it. I'm not saying I'll be going to a snake farm and make friends with a python, but maybe just try to not be so freaked out if I see a spider. Maybe I'll go to an amusement park and shake hands with a person in a costume. Maybe I'll go to the dentist and NOT have a panic attack (that would be nice, panic attacks aren't fun). Or maybe I'll try something different, even if I think I'll be bad at it.

I just can't let my fear hold me back anymore. It's time to stop being such a baby, "grow a pair", and get over it. 

"Never be afraid of trying something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic." -Unknown

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear on the unknown." -H.P. Lovecraft

"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conqure fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy." -Dale Carnegie

What are you afraid of? 

10 years ago today...

I was in the seventh grade. Thirteen years old and oblivious to everything, except for the cute guy that sat next to me in sixth period Algebra. He was adorable.

I remember stopping at my locker before I headed to first period, filling my backpack with books for my first few classes. With only four minutes to get to class so you had to speek walk and hope for no traffic. I was preparing for a busy day.

I chatted with a few locker neighbors about the upcoming football game and headed toward Science. I could tell something was wrong because the mood was different in the room, sort of tense. My teacher (who.. whom.. I hated) looked upset.  Then she announced what happened. 

"Hey everybody, something bad has happened in New York City. A plane has crashed into the World Trade Center and it's pretty bad." 

That's all. We had no idea if it was an accident or terrorists (even though we didn't know what terrorists were at the time) or anything. We were silent as we watched the second plane crash into the other tower. People just gasped when the collapsed. Mostly we were just quiet.

I really had no idea why this had happened or what it meant, all I knew was the people were dying and it as terrible. A girl, who I will rename Sandy, left the room in tears. Sure, it was sad and tragic but I couldn't figure out why she was running out of class. We all thought it was because Sandy was a drama queen, which was true. 

Turns out Sandy had relatives in New York City. Her thirteen year-old brain automatically put those relatives at Ground Zero and thought the worst, but in reality they were no where near it. She left early from school that day. She was one of the first people I knew who were directly affected.

In every class, we just watched TV. No real work was done, everyone just wanted to know what has happening. But I still didn't understand it and no one offered information. 

My mom was late to pick me up from school, it turns out she couldn't tear herself away from the TV and lost track of time. When we got home, we all watched TV together. I asked so many questions that my parents couldn't answer. No one could answer them because no one knew anything yet. 

Ten years later, people still don't know the answers. Not really. The big question: why. Why did we have to lose almost 3,000 people in a horrible tragedy? 

I guess it came full circle because I watched TV all day, from the dedications in the morning to the specials as night. It was shocking, seeing the same images, but with older eyes. Watching the second plane hit literally took my breath away. It was different this time, I actually understood the impact behind the attacts.

2,799 people were murdered. By terrorists. And for what? To prove a point? That America is weak and can be brought down? Excuse me, Mr. Terrorist, but you can not bring America down. You're attack did the complete opposite: it brought us together. 9/11 created a tighter bond among Americans. 

One of the things that really bugs me is when people say, "Oh, but let's forgive. It's the right thing to do." I'm sorry, but there will be no forgiveness. Ever. They killed almost 3,000 innocent people. Husbands, wives, siblings, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, people that didn't deserve to die. Most of their bodies were never found. And you expect me to forgive them and accept them? In the words of Mercedes Jones, "Ah hell to the no!" 

This rant may be ten years late, but that's fine. Better late then never. 

 

We saw two things for sure on 9/11: the best and worst of people. To see others risk their own lives to save strangers was truly extraordinarly, the best example of a human being. The way those people on Flight 93 risked their own lives to stop the terrorists was amazing. And the almost 400 firefighters that died saving people from the rumble, they are all true hereos.

I've often wondered how we're going to explain something is profound, this important, this infamous even to our children, to our grandchildren. To those that have no idea what it was about, what happened. I guess they probably thought the same thing about Pearl Harbor. President Obama shared that same fear in his OP?ED column in USA Today:

Like every American, I'll never forget how I heard the terrible news, on the car radio on my way to work in Chicago. Yet like a lot of younger Americans, our daughters have no memory of that day. Malia was just 3; Sasha was an infant. As they've grown, Michelle and I faced the same challenge as other parents in deciding how to talk with our children about 9/11.

One of the things we've told them is that the worst terrorist attack in American history also brought out the best in our country. Firefighters, police and first responders rushed into danger to save others. Americans came together in candlelight vigils, in our houses of worship and on the steps of the U.S. Capitol. Volunteers lined up to give blood and drove across the country to lend a hand. Schoolchildren donated their savings. Communities, faith groups and businesses collected food and clothing. We were united, as Americans.

9/11 will never be just another day in September.

"Though 10 years have passed, the wounds are still present, the emotions still raw. You have always carried the memory of that day with you, and in its aftermath you have shown a strength and a courage that embodies the character of America."-- Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, at the Pentagon ceremony

#neverforget 

I've been writing..

I wish my nails looked like that

Don't tell anyone. I'd like to keep it a secret.
Yeah, that's why I'm posting it on the Internet!
Secrets.. on the Internet.. that's ironic.
Or just stupid. Either way.

Yes, I've been writing this story that I thought of last summer.
It's been simmering in my head for a whole year
and it's driving me crazy.
I think the hardest part for me is organizing it.

I have so many ideas and thoughts and what not
that I can't actually sit down and write in order.                          
And trust me, its freakin' frustrating.

Well, I'll give you a little snippet of what I've written so far.

Chapter One - Return

I never imagined how much I missed the smell of fresh cut grass until I came back to town. Living in the big city, we didn't have lawns or dandelions, just concrete and crowded sidewalks. The smell wafted in through my open car window and brought back memories of hot summer days.

I didn't think I ever would come back, but here I was, driving down Main Street like I hadn't been gone for seven years. Trust me, seven years wasn't long enough. The town hadn't changed one bit. Two men were sitting outside the police station and deep in conversation. I would bet ten dollars they were talking about their crop yield and cattle conditions. That's what we talk about here in Iowa: farm stuff, the weather, and juicy gossip.

Growing up in a town this small wasn't easy. With less that 1,000 people, everyone knew everyone else's business. And that totally sucked. As a teenager, you couldn't get away with anything because someone always knew your parents. Or your grandparents. Or you siblings. It was ridiculous. Plus, there was nothing to do in this town but drink underage and vandalize buildings. I think it was like a right of passage, you couldn't graduate high school until you vandalized something. It seems just like yesterday, the one night that changed everything...

I shook my head and chased away the memories. I was in town for one reason and it wasn't a walk down memory lane. I navigated the car through the oh-so-busy downtown and towards the one place I didn't want to go. Home. Back to a place where I didn't belong.

The house appeared on the left hand side of the road, mocking me with its beauty. My parents had it painted a fresh coat of white and it was almost sparkling in the afternoon sunlight. The trees out front were bigger than I remembered and the tire swing was still there, gently swaying in the wind.

"Okay Andie, you can do this," I said to no one but the radio. "It's only a week. One week won't kill you." At least I hope it won't.


That's just a little intro to what I've been writing. Like I said, this has been living in my head for awhile now and I've finally decided to start writing it down. I think it's because I watched a Lifetime movie on J.K. Rowling the other night and it just inspired me to start. Of course, J.K. Rowling is an amazing storyteller and the way she overcame her situation is so inspiring. I'm in awe of the world that she created with just her imagination, a pen, and some paper. She didn't want to write to sell books and become famous, she wrote because she loves writing.

Okay, enough of my J.K.Rowling fangirl-ness. I could go on about my Joss Whedon fandom too, but I won't.  I'm going to continue to write just because I want to.

Happy 75th to me!

It's kind of a weird milestone to celebrate, but I'm doing it anyway.
This is my 75th blog post. Hurray!
I'm just in shock that I keep doing it, though it's not as regular as I would like.
I usually start blogs, then forget about them and never post again.
But not this one. This one is special.

To celebrate.. I guess.. I'm doing a blog about me, myself, and I.
Not like the other posts aren't about me.
But this one is just me.
I hope you feel you'll know me a little bit better after this one.

*Clears throat*
Hello there. My name is Morgan Faye and I am 23 years old. Nice to meet you.
Pull up a chair and be prepared to be amazed.
No, I don't do magic tricks. Stop asking.

     

25 Random Facts About Myself 

1. One thing that people seem to remember about me - I freaking hate pizza. I've been called a traitor to my country and un-American. Fun fact haters, pizza is Italian. And I'm German. So bite me :) 

2. I've never really known what color my eyes are. I was always jealous when I noticed someone's eyes and they were a distinct color, mine are not. When I was little, they were more blue, now they're more green/hazel. I know it sounds like something stupid to think about, but I can't help it. It bothers me.  

3. My favorite color is teal or turquoise, if you want to be fancy. It's actually the color of my car.  

4. I believe in ghosts. 100%. Don't judge me. 

5. I'm terrified of bugs and spiders. Either dead or alive.  

6. I love reading books. I'm addicted. I can't stop buying them and reading them. It's been my dream to write my own book. I will do it too. Damn it. 

7. Sleeping is one of my favorite things to do, despite the fact that I will always sacrifice it for a good book. Or in college, a night out with friends, studying for a test or doing homework or writing a paper or watching movies.. no one sleeps in college.  

8. I have one tattoo on my left foot. It says love in the shape of a heart. I love it. My friend says that they are addictive and at first I was like.. pssh no they're not. Nope, she was right. I want another one.  

9. My favorite season is fall. I don't really know why. Everything's dying. But it's just so.. fall. It just has this smell, the air is so crisp.. When I watch the leaves fall to the ground, it just feels like life is shedding it's imperfections, though there's nothing perfect about life. It just gives me that feeling. It's very refreshing.  

10. I have a very nasty habit. I bite my nails. I try so hard not to, but I can't help it. I've been doing it since I was a little kid.  

11. I'm super blind, hence the glasses. My lenses are so thick, it's ridiculous. Without them, I would just wonder around aimlessly.  

12. I love cleaning, but I'm also really messy. I know, it doesn't make sense. I just get these urges to clean things and so I do. But then it's usually messy the next day. I just can't win.  

13. I consider myself a movie buff. I've often spent rainy days curled up inside watching movies. I don't know how one becomes a movie critic, but sign me up for that. I'd do it in a heart beat.  

14. Seriously, I'm one of the most forgetful people ever. Just now, I put down my favorite pen, it's a Sharpie pen, and I was using it to right down my ideas. Now, I lost it. I forgot where I put it! I hate it when that happens. 

15. Deep down inside, I have a fear that I have no talent, despite what people tell me. They can preach to me all night and day but it won't do any good. Some days, I just feel.. blah.  

16. I'm a gamer. I <3 video games. When I was little, I would also sneak into my brother's room and play his Playstation. I'd play football, baseball, and Laura Kroft, Tomb Raider. I always felt bad when I had to shoot a wolf though. 

17. When I watch scary movies (which I do often), I'm more aware of my surroundings. I hear every noise, see every shadow. I think it's because I have a really active imagination, I can see these things that could happen to me, in my head.  

18. I'm really family oriented. I love every single one of my crazy family members, despite their drama filled lives. I wouldn't trade them in for anything.  

19. I love garage sales. Especially when I can buy good books for 25 cents.

20. I'm single and I'm not afraid of it. I know women who define themselves based on the men in their lives and it drives me crazy. You don't have to depend on a man to be happy. You don't have to have a boyfriend every minute of every day. I just wish they would open their eyes and see that they can be alone and not be lonely. 

21. I love technology as much as the next dude. But seriously, when people text in movie theatres, I go ballistic. Are you that freaking important?! Put the phone on silent for two hours, it won't kill you. Also, people who text constantly drive me crazy. Am I not interesting enough to hold your attention? That probably makes me sound like an old lady.  

22. One of the things I'll miss about college is going school shopping. I love buying office supplies. I don't know why, but I love buying pens, pencils, notebooks. It's addicting. I won't my own office so I can go buy supplies for it.  

23. I love the weather. Rain, wind, sleet, thunder, lightning, storms. Loooove so much. I'm going to go be a trained weather spotter when I finally settle down on a place to live. I really want to. 

24. I have serious road rage. I just can't help it, there are some really stupid drivers out there. Yesterday I had seven cars pull out in front of me throughout the day. Is my car invisible? It's bright teal for crying out loud! 

25. I like both Harry Potter AND Twilight. Whoa.

There they are, 25 random facts about myself. It should have been 75 but I'm not that interesting. 


That's it for this celebratory post. I hope you enjoyed it. I'll leave you with my favorite comic strip - Get Fuzzy. This is actually one of my favorites .. comic? strip? episode? I think you catch my drift.. 

Officially not a child anymore

You've heard it here first. 
I am no longer a child, a teenager, a college student. 
I am a 23 year-old college graduate and there's no going back. 


A lot of people find it hard to believe. 
I dare say that I am one of those people. 
How did this happen? 


How am I so.. old?    
Ugh, 23.               (celebs who are 23: Adele, Aaron Carter, Blake Lively, Snookie, and Hilary Duff!)
I keep saying in my head that I'm 21. 


That ship has long sailed. 
I guess I now realize that we're all growing up. 
Life goes on. 


This isn't something new to me. 
I've known this for awhile now.. 
That life goes on and people get older. 


But I just never thought that I'd be this old. 
Maybe I would be like Peter Pan and never grow up. 
As a child I couldn't picture myself as an adult. 


I still can't. 
Maybe it's because I'm living with my parents. 
Working a part-time job. 


The work force scares the crap out of me. 
So does paying rent, buying groceries, being responsible. 
Seriously, kids have no idea how lucky they are. 


When we're young, all we care about is playing outside, 
video games, toys, friends, food, and homework. 
At least, that's what I liked when I was young. 


Haha, when I was young. 
I sound like I'm 60. 
Anyway, back to what I was saying.. 


Kids can be so care-free, have no worries or responsibilities. 
They just live and have fun and do whatever. 
And sometimes do homework, if they want to. 


But now, as an adult, it's kind of overwhelming. 
All of a sudden you have to do all of this stuff 
and pay all of these bills and BE AN ADULT. 


And I guess right now I just feel like I'm wandering. 
But according to J.R.R. Tolkein, 
"Not all who wander are lost." 


So that gives me hope, I guess. 
I'm not lost, I'm just confused about what I'm going to do with my life. 
Will I find a job that I love, or even just like and tolerate. 


Get my own apartment, decorate it, cook for myself. 
All things that adults do. 
I just can't believe I am one of them. 


Enough of that rambling.. 
In other news: 
1)
A member of my community was diagnosed with colon cancer not long ago and the prognosis is not good. When I delivered pizzas back in high school, I went to his house at least twice and week and he was always one of my favorite customers. He is such a nice man and has a wonderful family. 


Sometimes I wonder why these things happen to SUCH good people. I try to put my faith in God but it's just not fair. I'm not going to get into the whole religion thing, but this is one of things that always cross my mind. How am I supposed to believe in a God that lets things like this happen to people like Kenny, my aunt, my grandmother, and to millions of people around the world. But then I get these moments where I just know and feel there is a God. I find it all very confusing. 


I just ask that whoever reads this, please pray to whatever God you believe in, or just think about him if you don't believe at all. 


2) 
In sad but not has horribly sad as the above, my dearly beloved iPod, Filbert, has gone missing. I suspect he is gone forever and it saddens me, deeply. I loved that iPod and now it's gone. That is a picture of him, he was a deep purple and had almost 1,500 songs in his memory.  If you find him, you must let me know immediately. His last known location was in my pocket at Riverside Lutheran Bible Camp (ironic, with #1 and all - one of those moments I felt he was real). 


3) 
I'm going to be posting a list of random facts about me. Why? Because I can. I'm currently creating a list. Because I'm bored. 


4) 
I think I'm actually going to sit down and write something soon. Book/short-story related. Watch out for that.