The wonders of "Notes"

For some weird reason, I've been feeling oddly nostalgic recently. Apps like Timehop and Facebook's "memories" feature aide to that feeling. I've been thinking about how much I've changed since I started high school, since I graduated, since I started college and graduated from there. How different am I?

After going through this weird thought process, I came upon these notes that were all the rage back in college. For some strange reason, we all thought it was a great idea to fill out these surveys about ourselves and put them on Facebook and tag our friends to do it too. Must be the narcissist in all of us. 

I was reading through these notes and tried to figure out how different my answers would be compared to my 18-year-old self. I'd thought I'd fill a few out and compare them to my younger years. This should be interesting. My answers now are in italics. 

PROLOGUE- 
1. Who took your profile picture? 
-I do believe I did, but I really don't remember 
I did. I took it while on vacation with my two best friends down at the cabin. You know which one. 

2. Exactly what are you wearing right now? 
-my newly acquired pair of shorts and a black wartburg sweatshirt 
A tank top and shorts. My pajamas. 

3.What is your current problem? 
-my final tomorrow.. eek 
It's hard to name just one. My anxiety. Money. Work. You name it. So many adult things. 

4. What makes you most happy? 
-being with people I love 
Being with the people I love - friends and family. 

5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to? 
-BAD ROMANCE!! lol 
It's currently silent in my household. I opened iTunes and hit shuffle. Miles Away by An Honest Year came on. I love that song and that band. I get to see them for a third time in a few weeks. I'm very excited about that. 
_____________________________________ 
CHAPTER 1: 
1. Nickname 
uh.. some still call me Mookie, littler sister, Morgs, Ghost Rider, Mo 
It's mostly just Ahppy. Started with Brooklyn, and now everyone calls me that. Boss calls me Morganzer. Like the duck. 

2. Eye color? 
could you please look at my eyes and tell me what color they are?! Because I certainly don't know. 
Well, eye color is still the same elusive blue/green/hazel. 

3. Hair color? 
-brown 
"Chocolate Brown" according to the hair dye box. 

4.Height? 
-5'9 ish 
I'd like to think I'm still the same height. 
________________________________________________________ 
CHAPTER 2: 
1. Do you live with your parent(s)? 
-sometimes.. college student 
Nope. Adult. 

2. Do you get along with your parent(s)? 
-most of the time 
I do, yes. I love them very much. They're great people and I can see where I get my personality from, especially as I grow older. 

3. Are your parents chill? 
-chill as in weird 
Very chill. 

4. Do you have any Siblings? 
-1 brother, 1 sister. 
Still have two older siblings. 
________________________________________________ 
CHAPTER 3: 

FAVORITE-- 
1. Ice Cream? 
-strawberry cheesecake.. yum :) 
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Or just plain vanilla with chocolate syrup on it. 

2. Season? 
-fall 
I will always love fall. Perfect weather. Football season. Hot chocolate. What's not to like? 

3. Book? 
-well, I like a lot 
Asking me to pick a favorite book is like asking a mom to pick her favorite kid. I love them all. 

4. Band? 
-Daughtry 
My taste in music has changed a little. I love and have always loved Shinedown. Best band ever. But I've evolved to love pop music like One Direction, and I love small bands like An Honest Year and The Millennium. 

5. Food? 
-chicken. 
Stiilll chicken. 

6. Drink(s)? 
-fat free skim chocolate milk from AE 
I still drink it, but just not as much. I love water. 

7. Pen color? 
-blue or purple 
I love black pens now. 

8. Store? 
-Kohls or Gordmans 
Maurices and Target. 

9. Person? 
:) 
Harry Styles. 
___________________________________________________________ 
CHAPTER 4: 

DO YOU-- 
1.Write on your hand: 
-not anymore, I used to in high school to remember things 
Same answer. I did it all the time in high school to remember assignments. 

2. Call people back? 
-haha, sometimes 
Most of the time, especially since I never answer my phone. 

3. Believe in love? 
-Indeed I do 
Yes. 

4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed? 
-well, the left.. i believe 
Sort of all over. I don't think there's a particular side. 
__________________________________________________________ 
CHAPTER 5: 
HAVE YOU? 

1. Kissed Someone in the past 24 hours? 
-nope 
Nope. 

2. If so...where? 


3. Had physical therapy? 
-never had in my life 
Nope. 

4. Gotten surgery? 
-nope, surgery free 
Still surgery free eight years later. (Good thing because I don't have health insurance.)

5. Taken painkillers.? 
- does Tylenol count? 
Does Tylenol count? 

6. Overdosed on pain killers? 
-negative 
I think accidentally, which led to a stint in the hospital. 

7. Been stung by a bee? 
-one time, in kindergarden in the back of the neck. I cried and am scarred for life 
That time in kindergarten is still the only time, and I am forever scared of bees and wasps. 

8. Threw up in a doctors office: 
-in the waiting room.. oh that was a bad time 
That time in the waiting room with my sister was still the first and only time. That was a weird day. 
___________________________________________________________ 

CHAPTER 6: 
WHO/WHAT WAS THE LAST-- 

1. Person to text you? 
-Margot 
It's actually still Margot. 

2. Thing you touched? 
-the keys on the keyboard 
Keys on the keyboard, and putting my hair in a ponytail. 

3. Thing you said? 
-I'm probably going to go to bed before midnight 
Goodnight. 

4. Person you hugged? 
-Kellie? 
Um... I don't know. Not much of a hugger. Probably one of the nieces/nephews. 

5. Person you talked to on the phone? 
-Rachel 
My mom. 

6. Last book you read? 
-Breaking Dawn.. because I'm a freak 
Chaos by Jamie Shaw. I'm one page into it. 

7. Last time you cleaned your room? 
-uh.. 
Saturday. Today is now Monday. 

8. Last time you talked to someone you liked? 
-I chose not to say anything. I plead the fifth 
Well I like my roommate, so I'd say her about two hours ago. And my mom. I like my mom. 
____________________________________________ 
CHAPTER 7: 

1. What's the most exciting thing that happened to you today? 
-Rachel and I finished our project. .finally! 
Absolutely nothing. Other than getting home from seeing One Direction in concert at 3:30 a.m. 

2. How many best friends do you have? 
-a few 
I have a lot. 

3. Would you rather get up early or sleep in? 
-well, it depends. I like getting up early when I have stuff to do. Sleeping in when I'm lazy 
The older I get, I find that I can't sleep in much anymore. I used to love sleeping in. But I'm liking the whole 'get up early' thing. 

4. Who do you love? 
-my family and my friends 
Same answer. 

5. What would you change about your life right now? 
-I would change the fact that I'm not at home yet because of stupid finals 
To make my anxiety and it's accompanying symptoms go away. And to make work and life stress go away as well. 

6. Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth? 
-oh geez.. I hate crying.. 
Cry over the truth. I want to hear the truth, I hate liars. 

7. What's on your bedroom floor? 
-uh.. stuff 
A trash bag. A rug. My furniture. 

8. Who was the last person you got into an argument with? 
-I don't really argue with people 
My cousin, today. I was so mad with him, I complained to three people about it. 
____________________________________________ 
CHAPTER 8: 

1. Do you trust people easily? 
-Not really 
I still don't. I find the faster you trust, the faster they can disappoint you. 

2. If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move to? 
-ALASKA! I really am a freak.. 
Alaska or to London. I love all things British. 

3. Do you think you're good looking? 
-not really.. some days 
Some days. Days I do my hair, or maybe even shower. 

4. Could you go a day without eating? 
-I have 
Well, I could, but I don't want to. 

5. How much do looks matter to you? 
-not really a lot.. 
They don't, not really. But I still like to look at really hot people. 

6. How do you feel about P.D.A.? 
-how about you don't make out in public.. 
Some is okay. But there's a limit. 

7. When was the last time you had your hair cut? 
-oh man.. I don't really remember.. I should do that 
I honestly don't know, my hair is so long. It's been a long time. 

8. Would you rather be mad or sad? 
-angry.. errrr 
I'd rather be mad. I'm not a fan of being sad. I'm not a good crier. 

9. Does it take a lot to make you cry? 
-kinda.. I don't really cry that often and I don't like to. 
It does and it doesn't. I've gotten to the point in my life where my personality has molded to my "just get over it" mentality and so crying isn't really in my life like that. But I bawl during funerals and weddings. I cry during those PETA commercials, if it's something sappy on TV. Things that aren't really real in my life. Movies. Books. 

10. What's the worst car accident you've ever been in? 
-when I was like 11 or so when my sister crashed our van into a light pole. Yeah.. 
That van still is #1. I haven't been in an accident myself *knock on wood*

11. Are you close with your mom? 
-yup 
Absolutely. 

12. Do you tell your parents everything? 
-haha.. nope 
Absolutely not. 

13. Would you rather be a bird or a fish? 
-mm.. I'd like to be a bird. I don't like swimming that much 
I still think I'd rather be a bird. To soar through the sky like that - sounds amazing. 

14. Name one fear you have. 
-medicine cabinents.. yeah figure that one out. 
Spiders, man. 
____________________________________________ 

CHAPTER 9: 

1. If you need to go to the store a block away, do you walk or drive? 
-walk 
I'd probably drive. I'm very lazy. 

2. Does the thought of marriage scare you? 
-uh.. yeah! I'm still young, I can't think about that yet 
Honestly, yes. I have a hard time picturing myself committing to just one person. It seems so final. So end game. 

3. How many kids do you want? 
-mm i don't know 
I think I've decided that I don't want kids. I can't see myself as someone's mom. It's a very weird concept. I like just being me. 

4. What's your favorite color to wear? 
-black! lol I don't know, probably blue or green. 
I actually do wear a lot of black. I also wear a lot of blue/teal. 

5. Who was the last person in your bedroom besides you? 
-well, I actually share my bedroom with Nicole, so I'm going to go with her. Since she's.. right there on the couch. Studying like a good college student 
Um... I don't know. 

6. What are you doing today? 
-Since it is officially thursday: I'm eating breakfast at 7:15 while studying, taking a final at 7:45. Clean and pack until about 11:00. Go to lunch. Give a stupid presenation at 12:00. After that, finished packing and cleaing. Load up my car and go home. 
Well, since it's Tuesday @ 12:08 a.m. I hope to go to bed, wake up around 7, get ready and go to work. I'll lay out and design a paper, go to lunch at the bar, and go back to work. From there, I don't know what I'll do until 5, when I'll get off work and hopefully go see "Paper Towns" in theatres.

7. What would you do if you found a dinosaur egg? 
-uh.. turn it in the police so they can give it to scientists who can then hatch it and create a whole new dinosaur generation.. who will eventually take over the planet (when I'm long gone). 
Destroy it. We don't need a real-life Jurrasic Park. 

8. Do you get bored easily? 
-note really.. i can entertain myself 
I can still keep myself pretty entertained. 

9. What's something that someone can do that really bothers you? 
-talk about themselves all the time! 
That's still a pet peeve. Slow drivers. Indecisive people, arrogant people, immature people. 

10. Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger? 
-yes! I hated my name.. everyone else had cool names.. mine sucked :( 
I hated my name because everyone kept calling me Megan. I like it now. 

11. Do you wish you were famous? 
-Nah.. too much drama and too many paparazi peeps 
Nope. I'm pretty happy just being me. 

13. How do you like your steak cooked? 
-I don't really eat steak 
Well done. Pink in the middle gives me the willies

14. What's your favorite song at the moment? 
-mm.. any Glee song :) I love Glee 
It's "Tenerife Sea" by Ed Sheeran. 

16.Can music affect your mood? 
-yes! I love music 
Absolutely. I'm in love with music. Especially live music. I saw my first concert in high school, and hadn't been to another one until college. Now as an adult, I go to concerts all the time. Music is so important. I love it. 
_________________________________ 

CHAPTER 10: 

1. What piercings do you want? 
-don't really want anymore.. 
I think I want another piercing on the top of my ear to join the other two there already. 

2. What tattoos do you want? 
-meh.. maybe one on my foot, but that's about it 
If money weren't an object, my body would be covered. I want a tattoo on my back right shoulder that says "Some bird aren't meant to be caged" with some design on it. 

3. Have you ever been in a cave? 
-yes! I went to a whole bunch in south dakota and whacked my head pretty good on the ceiling. Thank God for hard hats 
Answer still relevant. 

4. Have you ever eaten a bug? 
-no 
Not that I now of. 

5. Do you think there's someone for everyone? 
-I certainly hope so.
I'd like to believe so, but my realistic self is saying - nope. 

More notes to come! I have pages and pages of them on my Facebook page :)

A letter to a younger me

Dear younger me,

Hey there. This is coming from 27-year-old you. I know it’s a little off-putting, but just roll with it. You’re in high school right now. You don’t see yourself as popular, or in the “in crowd,” but here’s a tip – who gives a shit? Listen to me. It does not matter that you’re not friends with those people. In a few years, you’ll never talk to them again. Once you walk out those doors, it’s all over and you’ll never look back. I know it’s hard, but stop caring what they think of you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of you. Just be yourself and you’ll do great.

Those friends you have, the ones that you’ve known since kindergarten, those stick with you. Cherish those friendships, don’t let stupid boyfriends get in the way. Those boys don’t stick around forever, but the relationship you’ve built with those girls will. I just spent five days visiting your best friend. She’s getting married now. Not to that awful guy (thank god), but to someone much better. You’re in the wedding! And the dress is way cute. So, spoiler, she finally realizes how big of a jerk he actually is and moves on. Sure, moves to a different state, but it’s so much better for her. Those memories you’re making with her now - those football games and track meets - will be some of the best in your high school career. Stick with her – she’s a good one.

Those new friends you’ve been hanging out with, the ones that the popular kids think are kind of weird – they’re important too. They help shape who you become. They help mold your love of good music and help you break out of your shell. Although those friendships don’t last forever, they are important while you have them. Enjoy those times at the lunch table, enjoy your first rock concert (and yes, that stuff you smell is what you think it is, but leave it alone) and enjoy those relationships while they're in your life. 

Stop worrying so much about boys and boyfriends. I know you think you’re ugly and fat that no boy would ever look at you like that, but you are wrong. You are beautiful. You’ve been told that your eyes are the most beautiful (and weird, but in a nice way) color of blue, your smile lights up the room and that your laugh makes a certain boy's heart fill up with joy. There’s a guy in college who just takes your breath away. It will come, I promise. High school boys are stupid anyway. Especially those ones in your high school. 

Join the yearbook and start writing. I know the girls in that class are total bitches, but join anyway. Screw them, you’re in it for the experience. You’ll become a really great writer someday with several awards under your belt, so don’t be afraid of your talent. You might feel like it’s stupid, but it’s not. Also, that book you started and you think is dumb – finish it.

I hope you realize that high school isn’t everything. Stay close with those friends you have, don’t worry about those popular kids and just have fun. I know you’re always worried about the future – what will you do, where will you live, blah blah blah. Stop worrying about that now. Just be a kid because those years fly by and all of sudden you’re almost 30 and you’re thinking “I want to be a kid again.” Trust me. Paying bills and being an adult is not all it’s cracked up to be so be a kid as long as possible.

I know it seems like your mom is overbearing and doesn’t let you do anything, but she does it because she loves you. Just grin and bear it, but just know that you don’t have to be the perfect daughter all the time. Go skateboarding at midnight with those boys. Go to that bonfire in the middle of nowhere with your friends. Break some rules.  Also know thing with your dad, you’ll know what it is when it happens, actually works out for the best and now everything is better than ever. I know it seems like the end of the world when you find out. Let’s just say your 17^th birthday isn’t the greatest, but you’ll get through it. Lean on your friends and family and it’ll all be okay. I promise.

Go to college and enjoy your time there. You will meet some of the greatest people, and some of your best friends. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you how much fun college is. Sure, there is a lot of work and studying involved (and lots and lots of reading assignments), but you will have so many adventures and see so many great things. Those girls you meet freshman year will shape your whole entire college career. That third floor is important. I sit here looking back and smile because without them, college would have not been the same. Don’t be afraid to leave your door open because great opportunities and people will walk through it.

I’m almost tearing up now because those two girls you meet, you’ll know them when you meet them, will become two of the most important people in your life. They are still my two best friends in the whole world, and without them I would not be who I am today – a strong, independent woman who is not afraid to say what I think and stand up for myself and the people I love. We became the three musketeers, the three amigos. You’ll share so many adventures with those two girls. I can’t even explain to you how important they are.

The person I am doesn’t sound an awful lot like you right now. You’re shy, quiet in class and around your classmates, but when you’re with your friends, the real you shines through. That’s the you that everyone loves.  That’s the you that grows and develops into the person I am today. Get out of your own head, stop being afraid of those people and just be the you that you're meant to be. I’m sorry this is getting long, but I had a lot to say. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Stop caring what those people think of you and just march to the beat of your own drum. Hell, march to the beat of your own damn marching band. Have a your own freaking parade. Just know that you are special, you are talented and you are loved. Keep your nose in those books, get some scholarships to help pay for that ridiculously expensive college you go to, and just be you. Those four years fly by, and the next four go by even faster.

Enjoy the time you have there. But know that life gets better after you leave that place. Smile more, write more and relax. You’re going to love the future. Believe me on this one. It’s going to be great.

Love,

The future you

The importance of a few seconds

It's amazing how fast things can change.

In a split second, I'm driving down the highway, chatting with my mom about something I can't even remember. The next second, this giant white car, a grandma car I call it, slips across the center line and comes barreling toward us. Both of us going highway speeds.

In that instant, I sort of freeze. I don't know what to do. My mom's not paying attention, trying to open up my air freshener that I just bought. She couldn't figure out how to get the package open. I can't say anything, I can't move. And then I snap out of it, I scream "Oh My GOD" and swerve off the road and halfway onto the shoulder. The giant white car swerves back into their lane, and continues on their way like nothing happened.

I thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to go careen into the ditch in my new car, with my mom in the front seat and bags and bags of groceries piled in the back.

I made it home in one piece. The whole entire way home, I kept thinking. What if I had been going 60 instead of 59, would I have been there seconds earlier, right in that car's crosshairs. I would have had no time to react and would have been in a serious accident.

If my mom had taken just another minute in the pharmacy, we'd have been in the clear.

It just terrifies me how important just a few seconds can be. A few, precious seconds saved my life. I'm thankful for those few precious seconds tonight. Thanking God for those extra seconds.

Good riddance... time of your life.

It's that time of year again. It happens every May, and it always makes me sad and nostalgic.

High school graduation.

Once again, I had to go take pictures before one of our school district's graduation ceremony, and it was okay. I don't really know those kids, so I didn't think much of it. I took about 10 pictures and left. Easy peasy.

But then I went to our other district's graduation ceremony, and that's where I got weepy.

I'll rewind the picture for you. It was 2011, and I had just started working for the paper. I didn't know much about anything, just a fresh college grad who was willing to do anything in my job. I was sent to this other town to take pictures of the high school kids doing their various activities a lot. I got to recognize those kids and talk to them, get to know them.

And then I got to cover their sports and watch them excel and succeed. I've been doing that for four years now.

This group of seniors that graduated are kids that were just freshman when I met them. Just little peones in the high school hierarchy, figuring out their classes and trying not to freak about the whole being in high school thing.

And now they graduated high school.

I took their pictures as they played on the football field. The volleyball court. The baseball diamond. The track. In concerts. At art shows. I watched them grow up and find themselves. I watched them succeed in their sports. I covered their high school careers.

And now they're gone.

It's like this era is gone, and now it's on to other kids. I'll miss my seniors, especially my football boys. I love taking football pictures and watching my scrawny little team play their hardest. Without knowing it, they were my boys. They were all my kids, and now they're off to college or the military. They're off to go find themselves and learn and grown and become actual adults. They're going to be on their own.

I'm going to miss them.

And it's so weird because I don't really know them. They don't really know me. But I'm sad. I got attached to seeing them in school and at sporting events, and now I won't. They'll be gone doing their own things.

I actually cried at the graduation ceremony. I am such a sap.

Anxiety

- The Battle that Rages in My Head - 

My whole life, I never thought I had a problem. I had little things that bothered me, but I never let it get too out of hand. Sure, I worried about a bunch of stuff, but I thought everyone did. We all have normal worries - money, jobs, family, friends, etc. That's what I worried about too. 

Well, in Oct. 2014, we lost my uncle suddenly to a heart attack, and then everyone went on high alert. It was a kind of wake up call for my family to pay attention to their health. Now, I've only been to a doctor a few times in my 26 years and I was a relatively healthy person. Sure, I was bigger, but I never had any issues. I also didn't have any health insurance. 

One day in February, I felt weird. I don't really know how else to describe it, just plain weird. Throughout the day, it kept getting worse, but I had to work that night for a city council meeting so I just ignored it. Not every day is a great day. On the way there, I felt this pain in my chest and my left arm. 

Well, I panicked. The more I panicked, the worse it got. I made it to my meeting, sat in my seat and thought I was actually going to die. The left side of my face, by my mouth, went numb and tingly and in that moment, I knew that was it. I was going to pass out and die in the council chambers. I kept feeling my pulse, and it was erratic. I even had to excuse myself to the bathroom and checked the symptoms of a stroke - it was that bad. This heat came from my chest and through my face, and everything felt like it was on fire. I was hyperventilating - it got pretty bad.  

Somehow, I made it through the council meeting and drove home. I couldn't figure out how I wasn't dead yet, but I kept praying that I would be okay, while worrying the whole entire time that each moment was my last, just like my uncle. One minute he was bowling, the next - gone. 

I got home, wrote my story and went to bed. Well, when I said went to bed, I layed in my bed freaking out. I kept thinking to myself, I won't wake up tomorrow morning. This is my last day to be alive, and I was on the verge of tears. The pain in my chest wouldn't go away, and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to sleep - you know, with that fear of dying going through my head, that was pretty much impossible. 

I asked my roommate to take me to the ER, despite the fact that I didn't have insurance. I knew that no matter what, I had to get this looked at or I was going to explode. I wanted to see my family and friends again, find love, live my life, and I thought if I didn't go to the hospital, then that wasn't going to happen. 

I told the people in the ER I thought I was having a heart attack. They didn't look at me like I was crazy, they were so nice to me. They hooked me up to an EKG, took an x-ray, and my blood pressure. My blood pressure was 225/120. Uh, that's a little high. 

I spent the night in observation, and was finally released around 3:30 the next day. It took them that long to get my blood pressure to a normal level. My doctor, who I now love and as soon as I get insurance, she will be my permanent doctor, told me I more than likely had high blood pressure, which caused the pain, and I immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was having a  heart attack and I thought I was dying, which led to my anxiety attack. 

The high blood pressure makes sense. I know me and my family history, so I get it. But anxiety? I've never had an anxiety attack in my life. People have told me I'm the most laid back and calmest person they know. I don't get angry much and don't let a lot of things get to me. Yeah, I worry, but who doesn't? 

I've done some research in the month I've been out of the ER, and I figured out that most people who experience their first panic attack often feel like they're having a heart attack or stroke, and end up in the ER. That was reassuring. 

I've been anxious since then, and I've felt those same symptoms, but without the intense chest pain. But now I know what it is, and I can work through it. 

One of the most recent incidents was today and this last week. I've had a tooth ache, and I can't go see a dentist until my dental insurance kicks in (which is soon, thank God). But until then, I'm stuck with this pain. Well, in my head, I keep thinking the worst - I have infection, and it's going to spread to my eyes and blind me. It's going to spread to my brain. To my ears. To my heart. I'm going to die. I have an abscess and it's going to kill me. This pain will never go away. 

With those thoughts, I've been constantly checking my temperature because I know that when you're body fights an infection, you have a fever. The worrying is exhausting. 

This morning I woke up and I didn't feel the greatest, but nothing to weird. Just sorta tired, but I thought that made sense because I went to sleep at like 2:30 a.m. But then I took my temperature a few hours later. It was 96.9. I immediately freaked out. That's too low. What does that mean? Then I did something that I've been doing a lot of recently and it only freaks me out and makes it worse - Googled it. It's something that I've got to stop doing because it doesn't do any good. 

About an hour ago, it finally hit me. My face got super warm, I felt tingly-ness in my arm and face, and felt a pain in my arm and shoulder. I checked my blood pressure, which I do regularly now and it's always normal now that I have medication, and it was really high. Not as high as the ER night, but high enough to know what was going on. I was having another panic attack. 

I've taught myself some tricks in the month since the ER, stuff I've learned from my research. My doctor gave me a prescription that I was only to take if I felt anxious, and this was certainly the case. I took it, then practiced my relaxation techniques - breathing, walking around, listening to calming music, anything I could to help me calm down and realize that there was nothing seriously wrong with me. 

I don't panic about life things - job, money, etc., but I panic about my health. Losing my uncle so suddenly just freaks me out that it could happen at any time, to anyone. That is always going through my mind, and I think that's what triggers my panic attacks, not only about my health but the health and lives of my loved ones. The attacks are absolutely terrifying.  I have to learn to get out of my own head, and that's my problem. I look calm, cool and collected on the outside, but inside my head, things are chaos. I think too much, worry too much and then this happens. 

It's not something that I'm going to let take over my life. I know I've got a good life - good job, great friends and family, great things to look forward to throughout the upcoming year, so I know that life is going to be okay. But I get these moments where I think it's all coming to an end, and it's scary.

As I sit here, much calmer but with an ice pack to my face because I feel like it's on fire (though my temp and BP is normal - seriously, someone needs to take medical equipment away from me), I know that everything is going to be okay. I just have to keep telling myself that. 

One of the ways I've read that helps calm your anxiety is writing it out. Well, this is what I'm doing, and it actually has helped. The websites tell me that the most useful thing you can do to combat stress and anxiety is to keep a running record of your thoughts on paper. There's simply no better way to learn about your thought processes than to write them down. Writing it down and reading back my thoughts helps me understand why I'm thinking the things I am and doing the things I do. Seriously, writing is therapy. 


Some articles I've found to help me curb my attacks: 
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/articles/healthanxiety
http://www.wikihow.com/Calm-Yourself-During-an-Anxiety-Attack

Merry Christmas!

December 25, 2014. 9:35 p.m.

Well, Christmas is officially over. I've been home for about an hour now, and I am exhausted. As I sit here on my couch, surrounded by cool presents and watching Home Alone, I've been reflecting on how Christmas has changed since I was a kid.

There are moments when I miss the magic of Christmas only children can have. I remember being so excited for Santa to come that I could lay awake in my room for hours, trying my hardest to hear even the slightest creak of a board or a jingle of a bell. See, we didn't have a chimney, so that only way he was getting into my house was the front door.

I would set my alarm for 4:00 in the morning, and when that thing went off, I was instantly awake. My eyes would pop open, I'd sit up in bed and be ready to go. Until I was 7, I shared a room with my sister, so she would wake up to my alarm. She's 8 years old than I am, but they humored the idea of Santa for me.

I couldn't wait to go downstairs and see what Santa had brought me. I'd run into my parents room in my pajamas and jump on their bed. They'd make me wait until they got up, went downstairs and checked everything out. I'd sit at the top of the stairs, straining to see even a glimpse of what awaited me.

When they gave the okay, I'd sprint downstairs and immediately find my stocking and all of my presents. Ones from Santa were never wrapped, Santa didn't have time to wrap presents. We'd spend time checking out all of those presents, and then pass out my parents' presents, and unwrap them all.

That day was magical. It was filled with fun and laughter.

It's amazing how different it is as an adult.

I stayed the night at my parents house because I didn't want to wake up at my house on Christmas by myself (in the guest bedroom, no less). I slept in until 8:00, which is the latest I've woken up on Christmas, ever. Went downstairs, ate breakfast, helped make Christmas dinner. We watched a Christmas movie, putzed around the house, and had a very low-key morning. Then, chaos happened.

Noon rolled around and my siblings arrived with their families. I've the only one that's not married with children, so when they came around, it began a zoo. Seven children, four adults, plus me and my parents and my grandpa and aunt and two dogs, chaos.

It was a day filled with good food, awesome presents, fun games and memories made. There are more of us now, our family of five has expanded to include nine more, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Everyone in one spot, getting along (which is saying something with a family of hotheaded, stubborn people) and having fun, enjoying spending time together for the holiday.

Christmas is my favorite holiday of all because it's a time that we can get together with the ones we love and just spend time together. I loved Christmas as a kid, but it's more special as an adult because I can appreciate all the little things of the day - seeing my nephew freak out about his presents, watching my dad build a hockey table with my 4-year-ld nephew, watching my nieces sit together and giggle over something silly, watching my siblings actually get along, playing a game where we can all genuinely laugh together and have fun, it's just amazing.

I love Christmas. I love my crazy family. Life is good.

"This is probably the best Christmas we've ever had" - my dad. Yes Dad, I think that too.