Living with Anxiety

Panic attack: a noun. a sudden feeling of acute and disabling anxiety

My current state. 

I can't even describe how I feel. It happened at work. This might sound weird, but I've been thinking a lot recently about the first time I was in the ER with a panic attack. It was over a year ago, last February. I think that maybe thinking about it triggered another one. 

I've been feeling kind of off for the past couple days, feeling the same kind of things I felt a year ago. The same pangs of discomfort, but nothing of consequence. 

Tonight, though. Tonight it happened. It must be a Monday thing. A city council meeting thing. This time, it waited until after the meeting was over. 

I was sitting at my desk, typing my story. Minding my own business. 

Then it hit. I felt this overwhelming feeling of panic. That I was dying. I felt this discomfort in my chest the same exact way it happened last year. I still feel it. 

I felt like I was choking, like I was going to pass out. Like my head weight 100 pounds. Like I was going to throw up. All at once. I got up, walked around the office. Sat back down and still felt that discomfort. No pain, just this uncomfortable feeling in my chest. 

Instead of freaking out, I tried some breathing exercises. Ones that I researched after last year's experience that I will never forget. 

It's that overwhelming feeling that I'm going to die. As I sit here in my bed, I'm thinking about dying. What would happen if I did die. What would my family do. I have plans tomorrow with my mom and sister. I have to go to work. I have to do all of this stuff. But I'd be dead. 

These are the kind of thoughts that run through my head when I feel this way. It makes me want to hide away in my room and never come out. Never talk to another person again. Hide under my covers and cry myself to sleep. 

Yeah, that's intense, I know. I still feel the discomfort in my chest. I'm still taking breaks from typing and taking deep, slow breaths. But it helps me to write when these things happen. I don't know what triggers them. I have no idea where they come from. But it's just completely out of the blue. And it's terrifying. But I'm glad that I know what is happening to me, and I can work with it. I can fight through it. 

I might not get much sleep tonight, but I have to tell myself that I'll wake up tomorrow. That's the hardest part. I'm afraid to sleep because I'm afraid I won't wake up in the morning. That is exactly what went through my head this time last year, and I made my roommate take me to the ER. I was there overnight for observation. Not a fun experience. 

I just don't know where these come from and why. Anxiety is the suckiest thing, and yes I made suckiest a word. 

Breath in. Breath out. Repeat. 

March 4.

So, I got a little dark yesterday. It's so strange. I have moments like that, but then days like today where I feel just fine. I don't know how to balance those days with ones like I've had today. I just don't get it. 

It's Friday night, and I'm spending the night it. I'm actually happy to be doing it because I'm sick and I feel pretty icky. I'm spending the night watching Supernatural, maybe do a little bit of reading. Maybe play some Sims, that always makes me happy. But tomorrow should be a good day. I'm going shopping with my mom during the day and going to karaoke tomorrow night, so that should be fun. Although I kind of sound like a dying frog. But I digress. 

I found this little thing on someone else's blog and I thought it was cute, so I'm putting it on mine for fun-sies. 

Making: an effort to be happier and get out of my own head. 
Cooking: yeah, hi. Do you know me? I don't cook. 
Drinking : water. lots and lots of water. 
Reading: I've started to read The Dirt on Ninth Grave by Daryna Jones. I've been in sort of a reading slump recently, which sucks. I've also started to listen to Rule by Jay Crownover. I have that book on my Kindle app, as a physical book and now audio book. I think I like it.. 
Wanting: to get better
Looking: at the television watching Supernatural, Season 3 episode...13. 
Playing: the Pandora premier of Parachute's new album Wide Awake. LOVING IT. 
Wasting: the night away doing absolutely nothing and it's awesome. 
Sewing: absolutely freaking nothing. I can't sew at all. 
Wishing: for patience
Enjoying: the silence
Waiting: to be a grown-up
Loving: my family and friends unconditionally 
Hoping: to manage my finances better. 
Marveling: at how things can go wrong so quickly, but then turn themselves around. 
Needing: a sign that everything will be okay. 
Smelling: my cough drops. 
Wearing: sweatpants because why not. 
Noticing: how bad my throat hurts without a cough drop in my mouth. 
Knowing: I’ve got to get my act together some time. 
Thinking: I need to catch up on my reading. 
Feeling: just icky. 
Bookmarking:  everything. 
Opening: myself up to new experiences
Feeling: like utter crap. I hate being sick. 

......

I wish I could say I've been too busy living my life. 

I wish I could say I've been having so much fun, going out with my friends and being a normal person. 

I wish I could say all that. 

I wish I could. 

But I can't. 

It's been months since I posted last, and I can tell you in one word why I haven't done so since November. 

Depression. 

I wouldn't say I was the typical depression case. I was social. Christmas was good, except that we lost my grandma, so that made Christmas kinda suck. Losing her was hard for everyone. 

I've gone out on weekends with friends and my family, had a good time. Works been okay. It's had it's good moments and bad moments, but no job is perfect. Like now, I'm currently in a bad moment, but I don't really want to talk about it. 

It's the moments where I'm alone in my head. It's so hard to describe, really. I just feel like I don't care anymore. About anything. Not to the point of like.. you know... but that I just don't feel like putting a smile on my face and going to work and talking to people. It's like I dread it. And it has nothing to do with my job or my coworkers. Most of the time, I love them all. It's me. It's me getting trapped in my own head, thinking about why I'm here and doing this. These feelings I have are so hard to describe. 

The weekends - they're my favorite. Most of the time I can shut out the world, lock the door and keep the curtains closed. Block out the sunlight, sit on the couch and just be by myself. And I love it. And I feel like that's not normal. If someone texts me to do something, I'll make an excuse that I can't. And stay by myself. 

But there are some weekends where I'm fine. Happy even. I go out with friends, watch movies, go to a concert, see my parents, hang out with my family, all of this fun stuff. I just don't understand it. 

It's really hard to describe. It's like today. Normal day. By myself all day because it's my day off. I'm sick, so I spent most of the day in bed. And it was fine, I had to work for a little bit, was nice and social. Came home, and I just don't want to talk to anyone. It flips like a switch, and I just wish it would go away. 

I've been too depressed to read. Which is so shocking because I love to read. I've just been glued to the TV, and that's about it. Hopefully I can shake off whatever is going on with me, and get back to normal. 

Music feeds the soul

I was scouring the Internet looking for some sort of quote to put into words what I'm feeling at the moment. The only one that I could find that could come close is this:

"There's nothing to compare to live music, there just isn't anything." Gloria Gaynor. 

I'm currently soaking in Adele's new single, Hello, and just being in awe of her amazing voice. Seriously, that woman has more talent in her little finger than some musicians do in their whole bodies. Dear God.. 

Anyway, let's go back in time. I've been thinking a lot about music and how it's influenced my life, from my early country days, to my metal rebellion to my eclectic mix of today. I wanted to look back on how it's changed as I've grown into who I am today. 

So, I have lived in small town Iowa my whole life. Now, it may not sound like the typical country-loving place, but to be honest, it is. As a child, I listened to what my parents listened to, like most children do. Some kids got exposed to awesome 80s hair bands, the Beatles, Queen, other amazing musicians that I now love, but at that young age had never heard of in my life. 

My parents, well my mom mostly, and my sister listened to country music that was popular at the time. (I am now listening to Drink You Away by Justin Timberlake). I honestly just Googled 90s country songs and I knew most of the ones that popped up. They listened to it, so I did too. I must have liked it, or maybe I just accepted it, I really don't remember. 

But as I grew to a pre-teen, I fell in love with bands like B*Witched, 5ive, O-town and other pop bands like that. Ones that were only popular at the time, then pretty much died away. But it was my own music, not my mom's, not my sister's - mine. I remember sitting up in my room, which was by then absolutely covered in posters of my favorite actors and hot guys, and had those CDs in my three-disc changer stereo, because I was classy, and just blaring those pop songs, dancing along to some S Club 7 and Spice Girls like it was my job. 

I also discovered this band called Backstreet Boys, five pretty cute guys (although my favorite was Nick Carter.. those blond locks.. swoon) and sang songs that I wished boys my age would sing to me. Then my best friend began loving N*SYNC, and I honestly questioned our friendship at that moment. How on Earth could you like N*SYNC more than BSB? It just wasn't humanly possible?? (although inside, I kept dreaming that a boy would serenade me with God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You. Like all the time). 

(iTunes has shuffled to If I'm Lucky by State Champs)

I think my musical tastes stayed that way, minus the country music because that was just not cool enough for me, not when I had all these other cool bands to listen to, until high school. Music wasn't that big of a part of my life at that point, not until I started hanging out with a different crowd in high school.

My best friend and I were drawn to different friends, ones that wore all black with chains and spikes and didn't really care what other people thought of them. Though we didn't dress like them, they were pretty awesome people. They helped break me out of my shell, not just socially but musically as well. If it weren't for these people, who knows when I would have gone to my first concert.. college maybe? 

Anyway, they listened to loud music, music that a lot of kids in class labeled as drug music because it wasn't on the pop radio stations, not on the Top 40 stations. They were on Rock 108, the station that they all hated, and I fell in love immediately. I loved how different it was from what I normally listened to, and it was something not everyone loved (thus, the beginning of my rebellious phase). 

(Shuffled now to some Little Mix) 

Those friends brought me along for my first concert experience. It was 7Dust, and some other bands I don't remember, but all metal rock bands. Ones that screamed a lot, wore black and torn clothes, and just rocked to their hearts' content. There are many things I remember about that concert, one being that my friend and I had a crush on the same guy and she was all over him and I was jealous as hell, and the other being the mosh pit. 

I had never seen a mosh pit before in my life, let alone be that close to one. My crush protected me from the crazy-ness that was the pit (swoon, right), but it was a site to see. Bodies just throwing themselves around at each other as the lights strobbed and the music blared in your ears, and I could feel the vibrations from my head to my toes. I can still close my eyes and see it all (and smell it because that was the first time I had ever been in the same room as pot). 

It opened my eyes to passion, to people's passion for live music. I saw how much people cared about that music, how dedicated they were to it. For crying out loud, they threw themselves at other people, risking life and limb just to rock out to these bands that I had no idea what they were screaming about. I didn't know it at the time, but it honestly shaped the music lover I would become. 

(iTunes has taken be back to Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard... oh nostalgia) 

I broadened my horizons after that, listened to Green Day, Yellowcard (which I just fell in love with. Ocean Avenue was the soundtrack of my sophomore year), Shinedown, Blink 182, Mayday Parade, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Simple Plan, Good Charlotte, My Chemical Romance, Flyleaf, Evanesence, Linkin Park, Gorillaz, Papa Roach, Taking Back Sunday, Hawthorne Heights, any alternative band I could find really. If it wasn't mainstream, I loved it. It just seemed cooler because all the rest of my classmates were listening to boring country music about their dogs and drinking, and I was listening to sweet guitar riffs and some emo lyrics, stuff that really spoke to me and the things I was going through as a teen. 

And then I went to college. It was hard for me to stick with my love of alternative music when I went to my private Lutheran college, with my freshman year roommate as a preacher's kid who only really listened to Christian rock. But I finally went to my second concert freshman year with a friend, a band I actually loved and was really excited about - Fall Out Boy. God, I was such a Fall Out Boy fangirl, it was ridiculous. I also got to see the Plain White T's and Gym Class Heroes too, and it was awesome. FOB just kicked ass, and we were on the floor, smushed between all the other FOB fans, just living on their music and having the time of our lives. I can still feel that final fireball at the end, how hot it was on my face, thinking I might actually start on fire. I do have pictures from that concert, but a lot of them are of Pete Wentz because.. well I was obsessed with him. 

But that was an experience I'll never forget. I got to see my favorite band, listen to them rock out my favorite songs and as I sang them at the top of my lungs with hundreds of other fans doing the exact same thing. We were all there for one reason, those four guys brought us all together, and we jumped and rocked out on that floor, shoulder to shoulder, like it was nobody's business. It. Was. Amazing. I felt so freaking cool. 

Anyway. College. I went to a lot of free concerts at school of bands that no one really heard of, and that was cool. I got to see David Cook, the winner of American Idol, so that was an experience I was pretty excited bout. I'm sure there were other bands and stuff, but obviously didn't make much of an impact on me if I can't remember them. 

I also found my love of acapella music with a group called Chapter 6, which was just six talented guys and their voices. Another group came to college, but I can't remember their names, and my later roommates introduced me to Straight No Chaser, who I still listen to today and just saw in concert last week (and they're awesome). I really love acapella music because it showcases these people's amazing talents. They make all this music with just their voices, no instruments, no back up tracks, just them. It amazes me. 

College was a weird time for me musically. I just didn't listen to anything in particular, and I didn't really have a favorite band. Well, that's a lie, I loved Shinedown (still do) and was able to see them at the state fair. Our seats were super far away, but it didn't matter. I still got to see them and hear Brent Smith's amazing voice, live, sing all those beautiful lyrics. Even though the guy that stood next to me did not care for the concert, at all, I had a good time with my friends. 

Fast forward to the present day. 

Don't judge me, but I like One Direction. Not like those scary teenagers, I just appreciate their music and their talent. Plus Harry Styles? Double swoon. 

But it seems like I'm loving a lot of bands that teenagers nowadays do. I like a lot of small bands, ones that aren't very popular, all thanks to Twitter and one band in particular - An Honest Year. For some odd reason, last year a lot of random, small bands started following me on Twitter. I know it's a free way to get their names out there, so I looked into them. Most I found kind of annoying and sounded like babies - but I really liked the sound of one. They covered one my favorite songs and bands at the moment (5 Seconds of Summer), and I kind of fell in love them almost instantly - An Honest Year. 

They've introduced to a whole bunch of other bands, like The Millennium, The Big Time, Marina City and Time Atlas, that aren't well known but rock my socks off. Their fan bases are mostly teenagers, so when I go to their concerts, I raise the average age (minus the parents) by a lot. But I don't care. I enjoy their music, and it shouldn't matter how old I am. I can enjoy it just as much as a 16-year-old does. I'm just not as moody and emo about it. 

This coming Monday, Nov. 9, will be my fourth time seeing An Honest Year live in a year. That's some dedication. My roommate and I even drove three hours to go see them on their last tour, because of course she likes them now. I just have awesome taste. I've purchased their merch, bought their CDS, I follow them all on Twitter and Snapchat and am friends with them on Facebook. So yeah, I'm a little obsessed. But in a good way? 

I've been to more concerts now that I can count on my two hands. And I love it. I don't care that people think it's weird that I go to all the concerts I do. I love live music. I love getting to hear my favorite musicians sing my favorite songs while I'm there, being with other people who love them just as much as I do. I just have no words to describe how much I love live music. It makes my soul happy. It makes me feel this giddyness inside me, being in the presence of people so talented, that write lyrics that speak to me on a whole other level, it's just... ugh I don't know. It's hard to describe the feelings that I get while at a concert. Joy. Happiness. Disbelief. Shock. This utter filling of my soul, like music is a fuel that keeps me going. And some days it honestly feels like it. A simple song can lift me from my depression, and getting to hear that music live, played right in front of me, is just a feeling I can't describe. Stop judging me because I keep going to concerts and seeing bands play live. It keeps me going some days, the music they play. It makes me happy. So leave me be. 

I keep a journal of sorts, which I started a few years ago, filled with tickets and pictures of things I've done. There are a LOT of movie tickets, football tickets, play tickets, hockey tickets, tickets to places I've been like Chicago, a large majority is dedicated to music. I wish I would have been doing it since that first concert, but at least I'll always have those memories of it. I wasn't as worried about remembering things and keeping mementos back then. I lived more in the moment. Now, I pretty much keep everything. 

I've made a somewhat complete list of all the bands I've seen play. If it were up to me and money was no object, this list would be a hell of a lot bigger. 

7Dust, Plain White T's, Gym Class Heroes, Fall Out Boy, Backstreet Boys, Avril Lavigne, Ed Sheeran, Rixton, New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees, Boyz II Men, One Republic, Chevelle, American Authors, The Script, Kid Rock, One Direction (2), 5 Seconds of Summer (2 but have the third concert tickets bought), Icona Pop, Gavin DeGraw, Matt Nathanesen, Mary Lambert, Straight No Chaser (2), David Cook, The Millennium (2), An Honest Year (going on 4), Shinedown, Time Atlas, The Big Time, Marina City (soon to be 2), the Resolution, Chapter 6 (2), InPulse, Lovesick Radio, Ryanhood, Between the Trees Safetysuit, and lost of other small groups while I was in college. 

I'm almost positive those are all the ones I've been too, minus the stuff in college. As the years go on, I hope to add to this list, expand my horizons to other groups, and continue to support the music industry. 

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I'm thankful for all phases of my music tastes growing up. They give me something to feel nostalgic about as I jam to my new favorite music. Yes, I still love pop though. Leave me alone. 

So, I'm moving

'Ello!

Tis the 10th day of October, 2015, and I am currently procrastinating. I'm sitting on the couch, contemplating what to have for supper, and looking at the dining room filled with boxes.

Boxes because, if you haven't guessed, I be moving. Boxes that are both empty and full of stuff, but right now I just don't feel like packing. I should be, but I don't want to.

I love unpacking, figuring out where stuff will go, making everything look nice. But packing? Totally sucks. Moving? Totally sucks worse. And right now, we can't move our stuff into the new house, so we just have started piling boxes everywhere. THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH ROOM IN THIS HOUSE.

Pretty soon it'll be an obstacle course in here. But it'll be worth it. Our current (soon to be former) landlords just kind of... I don't know. Just.. bleh. So it's time to move on.

Work has been crazy, and will only get crazier. We're deep into football season, which you might know that I absolutely love. I freaking love taking football pictures, although the camera's being a bit of an ass recently. But it's so much fun. When I think back to graduating from college, I never ever would have guessed that I would be where I am. I had no idea where I was going, but I wouldn't trade it for the world, although same days just plain blow. But we all have those days.

I'm trying something new this next weekend. My dad's friend and his fiancé, whom I know from work and stuff, asked me to take their wedding pictures. I'm kind of freaking out, but kind of excited at the same time. I've never done anything like this before. I'm not very creative when it comes to thinking of cute ideas and stuff, but I hope it goes well.

I've also made plans to visit one of my favorite people in the whole world, and we're going to go see Wicked! I am so freaking pumped, it's unreal. I have a countdown on my phone, and it's slowly dwindling, but not fast enough for me. I can't wait to see Margot!! I'm going to be gone for like four days! Woohoo!

What else.. what else... I don't think there's anything else really going on in my life. I just wanted to jot down what I'm up to recently, for my own purposes. So I can look back at this and remember what the hell I was doing!

Cool beans. Moving, wedding, Wicked. Should be a fun October. Plus, I freaking love fall.

I've Been Thinking

It seems lately all I've been doing is thinking. About all the good things, and the bad things, and everything in between. 

Sometimes I think so much, I can't sleep at night. I can't shut my brain off, and it keeps me up until the wee hours of the night. And it sucks, because I'm a person who loves sleep, needs sleep to be a functional human being.

What's been on my mind so much? Well, three things. 

1) I see all these posts on social media about people going back to school, doing homework, studying for tests. I never thought I'd say this.. ever.. but I miss school. Sure, I've said it before in regards to missing the people, missing my friends, but never missing the work you put into class. 

School has always come pretty easily for me. High school was a breeze. I didn't really have to study that much to get all of my As, so that was nice. 

That trend continued (for the most part) in college. Except for my business and science classes, because God knows I did not like ANY of my business classes. Accounting, Econ, those were absolutely terrible. Science? Absolutely not. Never been my thing. Ever. 

But now that I'm out in the real world, working that 9 to 5 (I actually work 8 to 5, and then sometimes 5 to 10 too, but I digress), it doesn't seem like enough. 

Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I love what I get to do every day. I love that I get to bring news and stories to people. I get to talk to people and they let me write their stories. It's a great pleasure. I love getting to take sports pictures, it's something I never even thought I'd like, but now I can't see a life without. I love being on that sideline, being on that court, trying to get that perfect picture. 

When I first started there almost four years ago, I was learning something new every day. I absorbed it all like a sponge, excited and eager to learn every aspect of the job. Now, years later, I'm still learning, but then again I'm not. 

I miss challenging myself intellectually. I miss learning. I miss writing essay and papers (yeah, I loved writing those. There were always my favorite assignments). 

You're probably saying - well, just go back to school. Get your Masters. Take online classes. 

And I could do that. I could do that easily. But what I fail? What if I realize that I've gotten dumber, that I can't grasp things like I used to, can't learn as easily as I once could? What if I fail? I keep asking myself that over and over again. What if I fail? 

Failure is a part of life, yes I know that. It helps you learn and grow. Look at the mistakes you made and adjust. Blah blah blah, I know all that. But it's terrifying to put yourself out there, to try something new knowing you could easily fail. 

It's something I'm working on. I just don't know if I can do it. 

Item #2 on my mind. Change. 

 I'm not going to go into much detail about it. I just don't like it when people change. I know, change is a part of life, blah blah blah.But sometimes it just sucks. 

I've known a person for years. And for all those years we've been the best of friends, always on the same page. She finds a man to spend her life with, moves hours away, and moves on. Without me. Changes, and I don't know if for the better. Sometimes I feel like she's outgrown our friendship, like I'm behind because I'm not married or engaged. So since I'm in a different stage of life, she's moved on without me. And changed into a person that I'm not even sure I know anymore. 

So there's that. 

#3) This has to do with current events. A few weeks ago, a reporter and her camera man were murdered. On air. By a former coworker. They were just doing their jobs, doing a live shot on an easy, fluff story that should have been cut and dry. But that morning, it changed everything. I stumbled across the video, I heard her screams. I saw her face as those bullets struck her. Those are things I will never forget. Ever. 

It made me think of my job. People (sometimes strangers) invite me into their homes. Alone. I do many interviews in people's houses. You just don't realize how much trust you put into a person until that trust is broken. What if one day, I walk into a house for an interview, and never walk out. That thought terrifies me to my bones. 

People are so screwed up. This world is screwed up. I shouldn't be afraid to do my job. I shouldn't be afraid to go the movies, go shopping at the mall. I shouldn't be afraid of people, of what they could do. If they're going to bring a gun to the movies, put a bomb in a shopping mail. I shouldn't have to fear going outside and trying to live my life. 

A 14-year-old boy was arrested yesterday for the murder of a 15-year-old kid. They're just children. Just more and more senseless violence that makes me sick. 

Shootings, bombings, murder, robbery, assault, torture, arson, God it all just sucks so much. At times like these, with all this terrible stuff going on in the world, it's hard for me to picture a God that just leaves us to our own devices, that let's us kill and destroy each other. It doesn't make sense to me. I've believed in God my whole life, up until a couple years ago. I just don't know anymore. The older I get, the more I see of the world, it just keeps getting harder to picture that if there was a higher being, a deity that is watching after us, how can these terrible, terrible things keep happening? How? I just don't get it. 

Most of the time I think we're just here. We've evolved from monkeys, and we're just existing. You live until you die, and that's that. 

But then there are these times, these moments where you just know, there's got to be more than this. You see the miracle of childbirth, a beautiful sunset or sometimes for me it's just looking up at the night sky full of stars. I just feel so small, looking up at that infinite universe and you just think, there's go to be more than this. This life, these years we're on this Earth, can't be it for us. And the war continues to wage in my mind. I don't know if it will ever end. I keep putting my faith into this being, this God that supposedly created us all, and I keep getting let down. My uncle dies suddenly, without getting a chance to say goodbye, without getting a chance to see his granddaughter grow and his daughter give birth to twins. I hear of someone killing themselves because they hate themselves so much, because no one was there for them to lend an ear, to simply listen to them when they needed someone the most. It's just painful. This world is full of pain and sorrow, and sometimes it's hard not to drown in it all. 

See, now I'm just depressing myself. I'm just tired of seeing this world go through so much terror and destruction. I'm tired of watching the news and hearing about another shooting, another murder, another bombing. When are we going to stop killing each other? 




These are the thoughts that have been running through my head lately. I'm pretty sure I'm having an existential crisis. And it's exhausting. 

My late-night ramblings have come to an end. I must try my best to get some sleep. Letting all my thoughts out is kind of like a purge. I feel better afterwards, emptier, more at peace. 

I just hope that someday this world will figure its shit out before it's too late. 

Don't Freak Out

I know, this is not normal. Two posts right in a row. I don't know what it is about this week, but it makes me want to write. I mean, I'm not writing anything phenomenal, but I still enjoy just sitting at my computer and putting my thoughts into words. So many times I'm writing someone else's words, never my own. It's nice. I've forgotten what it feels like. 

I wish I had anything to update or report. Well, I went to a One Direction concert Sunday night. Yes, I said One Direction. Yes, I'm 27. It's fine. It's normal. It was really fun. Except when it wasn't. There was a moment that I felt overwhelmed, anxious. It was hot, it was crowded, and I just felt like I was going down. I felt my heart beating out of control, felt it speed up and explode, and I didn't know what to do. I somehow calmed myself down without alerting anyone, and that made me think. 

You can never tell what's going on inside someone. I had an anxiety attack in the middle of a One Direction concert and I bet on the outside I didn't break a smile. You just can't know what's going on in someone's brain. When I went into the hospital, people were shocked when they learned why. My boss said, "You're always so calm and in control. Also so laid back." 

Most of the time I am. And I certainly don't let other people know when I'm not. I keep that inside, deal with it internally without making waves. People think people with anxiety and depression and things like that should look and act a certain way. But in reality, that is so not true. You can't tell what's going on in their heads. What looks like calm waters on the outside could be a monsoon of emotions and thoughts inside. That's the way I feel a lot. I have days where I'm so depressed that I don't want to talk to a single person. I want to lay in my bed, turn the lights off and just stare at the ceiling all day. But I don't tell anyone that and you fight those urges to brush everyone off. To isolate yourself.

I found that I've been having so many bad days lately, I forget what a good day feels like until I have one. Then I get suspicious because I'm having a good day. It's a vicious cycle. 

Anyway, those were just my thoughts today. I found another amazing Facebook note, which I titled "100 Truths: I'm procrastinating in the library." What can I say, I'm very creative. Published in 2009. I was 21 and a sophomore in college. 

1. last beverage→ Diet Pepsi, currently drinking it. A bottle of water
2. last phone call→ Mom, but she didn't answer me :( I call people all the time at work. But last personal call was from my Mom. 
3. last text message→ Nicole Again, my mom. 
4. last song you listened to→ A Ron Pope song.. Come to California Phenomenal - Eminem. 
5. last time you cried→ I haven't cried in a long time.. About five minutes ago. Having a bad day. 

SIX HAVE YOU EVER: 
1. dated someone twice → nope Negative
2. been cheated on? nope Negative
3. kissed someone & regretted it? nope Affirmative
4. lost someone special?→ yes Yes
5. been depressed?→ yes Yes
6. been drunk and threw up? nope I can change this answer - I sure have. It wasn't pleasant. 

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: 
1. Green Teal
2. Orange Blue
3.Blue Seafoam Green

THIS Semester HAVE YOU: None of these apply to because for me there is no semester. 
1. Made new friends → yes! 
2. Fallen out of love → nope.. or in love for that matter 
3. Laughed until you cried → yes! 
4. Met someone who changed you- I don't know yet 
5. Found out who your true friends were → yes!!!!!!!! 
6. Found out someone was talking about you→ I wouldn't be surprised if a person...*cough* was 
7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list→ noppers 
8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life → I'd say about 8/9 of them

9. How many kids do you want to have→ I don't even know if I want kids... Zero. 
10. Do you have any pets --> yes! my doggie. Personally, no, but my parents have a dog that I like. 
11. Do you want to change your name→ I actually like it.. Its grown on my in the 20yrs I've had it 
12. What did you do for your last birthday→ Ugh... I don't remember, it was a long time ago I went down to visit my friend from high school in Arkansas. 
13. what time did you wake up today → 7:00AM 6:45 a.m. 
14. What were you doing at midnight last night ---> homework/reading I was just closing down my computer and getting ready for bed. 
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → this summer! Friday, because I get to see 5 Seconds of Summer in concert. I am so pumped. Hoping for a good day. 
16. Last time you saw your father→ Sunday Yesterday, which was Monday. 
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → I wish.. I had money That has not changed. I also wish I could feel normal. 
18. What are you listening to right now → Ron Pope: Fireflies, and random chat in the library The sound of my fan and the faint sound of thunder outside. 
19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom--> yes! Today even! Um, I obviously must have but I can't remember. I've talked to a cat named Tom thought. 
23. What's getting on your nerves right now? --> The guy to my right.. My arm, because it hurts. 
24. Most visited webpage --> Sadly facebook.. I need a life I honestly don't know. I'm not on web pages much anymore for personal reasons, I just use apps. I'd have to say Facebook. 

1. Whats your real name → Morgan Faye Bergmann 
2. Nicknames→ Uh.. Maureen, Ahppy, Morgs, I mainly go by Ahppy and Ahpples now. 
4. Zodiac sign → Cancer/Gemini.. Prince William and I were born on a day that can go either way.. I have characteristics of both If I believed in zodiac signs, then this would be the same. But I think they're a crock of shit. 
5. Male or female or transgendered→ female 
6. Elementary? Sumner Durant Elementary 
7. Middle School → Sumner Jr. High School 
8. High school → Sumner-Fredericksburg High School 
10. Hair color → Brunette "Chocolate Brown" according to the box. 
11. Long or short---> Found out that it's rather long today I think my hair might be the longest I've ever had it. 
16. Height → 5'9-5'10 
17. Do you have a crush on someone? Lol, maybe.. No. 
18: What do you like about yourself? I like my sense of humor I like my sense of humor, the color of my eyes and the fact that I don't take shit from people. I've just had it up to here with people's bullshit and I'm over it. 
19. Piercings → 3 Technically four. I have my ears pierced the traditional way (so 2) and then have to cartilage piercings in my left ear. 
20. Tattoos → none yet! I have one tattoo on my left foot that I got senior year of college. I'm planning another, but I can't afford it 
21. Righty or lefty → righty 

FIRSTS : 
22. First surgery → never had one Still never had one. 
23. First piercing → ear lobes 
24. First best friends → Ashlee Gloede 
26. First sport you joined → I'm pretty sure it was either jr.high basketball or little league softball [but I quit that] 
27. First pet --> JoJo, he was a great dog 
28. First vacation→ I'm pretty sure it was to St. Louis, or to Field of Dreams [but that's not really a vacation] 
29. First concert → 7Dust This concert was insane. 
30. First crush –> Well, I'd prefer not to say :) My first real crush, not those kindergarten crushes, was a boy named Adam. He was so cute, and the new kid in like second or third grade. I had the biggest crush on him, and so did a friend of mine. I was not happy with that. 

RIGHT NOW: 
49. Eating → Sour cream and onion chips Nothing, I'm lying in bed. 
50. Drinking → Diet pepsi Again, nothing. In bed. 
52. I'm about to - do homework Go to sleep. Or read a book. 
53. Listening to → Cinnamon-Ron Pope This was already a question. I'm listening to my fan. 
55. Waiting for → My foot to wake up so I can go print off an article The pain to go away and to feel normal again. 


YOUR FUTURE : 
58. Want kids? maybe? THIS WAS ALREADY A QUESTION. NO. 
59. Want to get married? yes Maybe someday. 
60. Careers in mind? Something in the communication field, but what i don't really know  Well, I've always wanted to write my own books, so I'm doing to do that someday.  

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX? : 
68. Lips or eyes → eyes Same. 
69. Hugs or kisses → both Same. 
70. Shorter or taller → taller Absolutely the same. 
71. Older or Younger ---- older Same. 
72. Romantic or spontaneous → both Romantic
73. Nice stomach or nice arms --arms, but looks aren't that important  I still agree with this statement. 
74. Sensitive or loud → um.... I like sensitive guys, but not too sensitive. 
75. Hook-up or relationship → relationship Same. 
77. Trouble maker or hesitant-- I like bad boys ;) haha A guy that likes to bend the rules a bit ;)

HAVE YOU EVER : 
78. Kissed a stranger → not that I know of Not that I can remember.
79. Drank hard liquor --> what do you consider hard? Yes. 
80. Lost glasses/contacts → Too many times to count All the time. 
81. Sex on first date --> nope No, I'm not that kind of girl. 
82. Broken someone's heart → I hope not I still hope not. 
83. Had your own heart broken --> yes :( Yes. 
85. Been arrested → nope! No 
86. Turned someone down → I don't think so Yes.  
87. Cried when someone died → yes Yes. 
88. Liked a friend that is a girl? → nope No. 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 
89. Yourself --> Some days Sometimes. 
90. Miracles →I try I still try. 
91. Love at first sight —> nope No. I have very definite opinions about this, and they make me sound cynical, and maybe I am. But no.  
92. Heaven → of course I hope so. 
93. Santa Clause –> YES! :) I miss believing in Santa. That was a time when life was very simple. 
95. Kiss on the first date? → nope Depends on the date. 
96. Angels → yes I'm not sure. Jury's still out. 

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: 
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? --> Actually, I'm pretty good right now No, I'm okay by myself. 
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? --> No! I have not. 
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? sort of.. Kind of... 

Oh yes, these pointless Facebook notes. We just wanted people to know more about us, we love to talk about ourselves. I have so many more of these. You don't even know. 

Peace.