I've Been Thinking

It seems lately all I've been doing is thinking. About all the good things, and the bad things, and everything in between. 

Sometimes I think so much, I can't sleep at night. I can't shut my brain off, and it keeps me up until the wee hours of the night. And it sucks, because I'm a person who loves sleep, needs sleep to be a functional human being.

What's been on my mind so much? Well, three things. 

1) I see all these posts on social media about people going back to school, doing homework, studying for tests. I never thought I'd say this.. ever.. but I miss school. Sure, I've said it before in regards to missing the people, missing my friends, but never missing the work you put into class. 

School has always come pretty easily for me. High school was a breeze. I didn't really have to study that much to get all of my As, so that was nice. 

That trend continued (for the most part) in college. Except for my business and science classes, because God knows I did not like ANY of my business classes. Accounting, Econ, those were absolutely terrible. Science? Absolutely not. Never been my thing. Ever. 

But now that I'm out in the real world, working that 9 to 5 (I actually work 8 to 5, and then sometimes 5 to 10 too, but I digress), it doesn't seem like enough. 

Don't get me wrong. I love my job. I love what I get to do every day. I love that I get to bring news and stories to people. I get to talk to people and they let me write their stories. It's a great pleasure. I love getting to take sports pictures, it's something I never even thought I'd like, but now I can't see a life without. I love being on that sideline, being on that court, trying to get that perfect picture. 

When I first started there almost four years ago, I was learning something new every day. I absorbed it all like a sponge, excited and eager to learn every aspect of the job. Now, years later, I'm still learning, but then again I'm not. 

I miss challenging myself intellectually. I miss learning. I miss writing essay and papers (yeah, I loved writing those. There were always my favorite assignments). 

You're probably saying - well, just go back to school. Get your Masters. Take online classes. 

And I could do that. I could do that easily. But what I fail? What if I realize that I've gotten dumber, that I can't grasp things like I used to, can't learn as easily as I once could? What if I fail? I keep asking myself that over and over again. What if I fail? 

Failure is a part of life, yes I know that. It helps you learn and grow. Look at the mistakes you made and adjust. Blah blah blah, I know all that. But it's terrifying to put yourself out there, to try something new knowing you could easily fail. 

It's something I'm working on. I just don't know if I can do it. 

Item #2 on my mind. Change. 

 I'm not going to go into much detail about it. I just don't like it when people change. I know, change is a part of life, blah blah blah.But sometimes it just sucks. 

I've known a person for years. And for all those years we've been the best of friends, always on the same page. She finds a man to spend her life with, moves hours away, and moves on. Without me. Changes, and I don't know if for the better. Sometimes I feel like she's outgrown our friendship, like I'm behind because I'm not married or engaged. So since I'm in a different stage of life, she's moved on without me. And changed into a person that I'm not even sure I know anymore. 

So there's that. 

#3) This has to do with current events. A few weeks ago, a reporter and her camera man were murdered. On air. By a former coworker. They were just doing their jobs, doing a live shot on an easy, fluff story that should have been cut and dry. But that morning, it changed everything. I stumbled across the video, I heard her screams. I saw her face as those bullets struck her. Those are things I will never forget. Ever. 

It made me think of my job. People (sometimes strangers) invite me into their homes. Alone. I do many interviews in people's houses. You just don't realize how much trust you put into a person until that trust is broken. What if one day, I walk into a house for an interview, and never walk out. That thought terrifies me to my bones. 

People are so screwed up. This world is screwed up. I shouldn't be afraid to do my job. I shouldn't be afraid to go the movies, go shopping at the mall. I shouldn't be afraid of people, of what they could do. If they're going to bring a gun to the movies, put a bomb in a shopping mail. I shouldn't have to fear going outside and trying to live my life. 

A 14-year-old boy was arrested yesterday for the murder of a 15-year-old kid. They're just children. Just more and more senseless violence that makes me sick. 

Shootings, bombings, murder, robbery, assault, torture, arson, God it all just sucks so much. At times like these, with all this terrible stuff going on in the world, it's hard for me to picture a God that just leaves us to our own devices, that let's us kill and destroy each other. It doesn't make sense to me. I've believed in God my whole life, up until a couple years ago. I just don't know anymore. The older I get, the more I see of the world, it just keeps getting harder to picture that if there was a higher being, a deity that is watching after us, how can these terrible, terrible things keep happening? How? I just don't get it. 

Most of the time I think we're just here. We've evolved from monkeys, and we're just existing. You live until you die, and that's that. 

But then there are these times, these moments where you just know, there's got to be more than this. You see the miracle of childbirth, a beautiful sunset or sometimes for me it's just looking up at the night sky full of stars. I just feel so small, looking up at that infinite universe and you just think, there's go to be more than this. This life, these years we're on this Earth, can't be it for us. And the war continues to wage in my mind. I don't know if it will ever end. I keep putting my faith into this being, this God that supposedly created us all, and I keep getting let down. My uncle dies suddenly, without getting a chance to say goodbye, without getting a chance to see his granddaughter grow and his daughter give birth to twins. I hear of someone killing themselves because they hate themselves so much, because no one was there for them to lend an ear, to simply listen to them when they needed someone the most. It's just painful. This world is full of pain and sorrow, and sometimes it's hard not to drown in it all. 

See, now I'm just depressing myself. I'm just tired of seeing this world go through so much terror and destruction. I'm tired of watching the news and hearing about another shooting, another murder, another bombing. When are we going to stop killing each other? 




These are the thoughts that have been running through my head lately. I'm pretty sure I'm having an existential crisis. And it's exhausting. 

My late-night ramblings have come to an end. I must try my best to get some sleep. Letting all my thoughts out is kind of like a purge. I feel better afterwards, emptier, more at peace. 

I just hope that someday this world will figure its shit out before it's too late.