Living with Anxiety

Panic attack: a noun. a sudden feeling of acute and disabling anxiety

My current state. 

I can't even describe how I feel. It happened at work. This might sound weird, but I've been thinking a lot recently about the first time I was in the ER with a panic attack. It was over a year ago, last February. I think that maybe thinking about it triggered another one. 

I've been feeling kind of off for the past couple days, feeling the same kind of things I felt a year ago. The same pangs of discomfort, but nothing of consequence. 

Tonight, though. Tonight it happened. It must be a Monday thing. A city council meeting thing. This time, it waited until after the meeting was over. 

I was sitting at my desk, typing my story. Minding my own business. 

Then it hit. I felt this overwhelming feeling of panic. That I was dying. I felt this discomfort in my chest the same exact way it happened last year. I still feel it. 

I felt like I was choking, like I was going to pass out. Like my head weight 100 pounds. Like I was going to throw up. All at once. I got up, walked around the office. Sat back down and still felt that discomfort. No pain, just this uncomfortable feeling in my chest. 

Instead of freaking out, I tried some breathing exercises. Ones that I researched after last year's experience that I will never forget. 

It's that overwhelming feeling that I'm going to die. As I sit here in my bed, I'm thinking about dying. What would happen if I did die. What would my family do. I have plans tomorrow with my mom and sister. I have to go to work. I have to do all of this stuff. But I'd be dead. 

These are the kind of thoughts that run through my head when I feel this way. It makes me want to hide away in my room and never come out. Never talk to another person again. Hide under my covers and cry myself to sleep. 

Yeah, that's intense, I know. I still feel the discomfort in my chest. I'm still taking breaks from typing and taking deep, slow breaths. But it helps me to write when these things happen. I don't know what triggers them. I have no idea where they come from. But it's just completely out of the blue. And it's terrifying. But I'm glad that I know what is happening to me, and I can work with it. I can fight through it. 

I might not get much sleep tonight, but I have to tell myself that I'll wake up tomorrow. That's the hardest part. I'm afraid to sleep because I'm afraid I won't wake up in the morning. That is exactly what went through my head this time last year, and I made my roommate take me to the ER. I was there overnight for observation. Not a fun experience. 

I just don't know where these come from and why. Anxiety is the suckiest thing, and yes I made suckiest a word. 

Breath in. Breath out. Repeat. 

March 4.

So, I got a little dark yesterday. It's so strange. I have moments like that, but then days like today where I feel just fine. I don't know how to balance those days with ones like I've had today. I just don't get it. 

It's Friday night, and I'm spending the night it. I'm actually happy to be doing it because I'm sick and I feel pretty icky. I'm spending the night watching Supernatural, maybe do a little bit of reading. Maybe play some Sims, that always makes me happy. But tomorrow should be a good day. I'm going shopping with my mom during the day and going to karaoke tomorrow night, so that should be fun. Although I kind of sound like a dying frog. But I digress. 

I found this little thing on someone else's blog and I thought it was cute, so I'm putting it on mine for fun-sies. 

Making: an effort to be happier and get out of my own head. 
Cooking: yeah, hi. Do you know me? I don't cook. 
Drinking : water. lots and lots of water. 
Reading: I've started to read The Dirt on Ninth Grave by Daryna Jones. I've been in sort of a reading slump recently, which sucks. I've also started to listen to Rule by Jay Crownover. I have that book on my Kindle app, as a physical book and now audio book. I think I like it.. 
Wanting: to get better
Looking: at the television watching Supernatural, Season 3 episode...13. 
Playing: the Pandora premier of Parachute's new album Wide Awake. LOVING IT. 
Wasting: the night away doing absolutely nothing and it's awesome. 
Sewing: absolutely freaking nothing. I can't sew at all. 
Wishing: for patience
Enjoying: the silence
Waiting: to be a grown-up
Loving: my family and friends unconditionally 
Hoping: to manage my finances better. 
Marveling: at how things can go wrong so quickly, but then turn themselves around. 
Needing: a sign that everything will be okay. 
Smelling: my cough drops. 
Wearing: sweatpants because why not. 
Noticing: how bad my throat hurts without a cough drop in my mouth. 
Knowing: I’ve got to get my act together some time. 
Thinking: I need to catch up on my reading. 
Feeling: just icky. 
Bookmarking:  everything. 
Opening: myself up to new experiences
Feeling: like utter crap. I hate being sick. 

......

I wish I could say I've been too busy living my life. 

I wish I could say I've been having so much fun, going out with my friends and being a normal person. 

I wish I could say all that. 

I wish I could. 

But I can't. 

It's been months since I posted last, and I can tell you in one word why I haven't done so since November. 

Depression. 

I wouldn't say I was the typical depression case. I was social. Christmas was good, except that we lost my grandma, so that made Christmas kinda suck. Losing her was hard for everyone. 

I've gone out on weekends with friends and my family, had a good time. Works been okay. It's had it's good moments and bad moments, but no job is perfect. Like now, I'm currently in a bad moment, but I don't really want to talk about it. 

It's the moments where I'm alone in my head. It's so hard to describe, really. I just feel like I don't care anymore. About anything. Not to the point of like.. you know... but that I just don't feel like putting a smile on my face and going to work and talking to people. It's like I dread it. And it has nothing to do with my job or my coworkers. Most of the time, I love them all. It's me. It's me getting trapped in my own head, thinking about why I'm here and doing this. These feelings I have are so hard to describe. 

The weekends - they're my favorite. Most of the time I can shut out the world, lock the door and keep the curtains closed. Block out the sunlight, sit on the couch and just be by myself. And I love it. And I feel like that's not normal. If someone texts me to do something, I'll make an excuse that I can't. And stay by myself. 

But there are some weekends where I'm fine. Happy even. I go out with friends, watch movies, go to a concert, see my parents, hang out with my family, all of this fun stuff. I just don't understand it. 

It's really hard to describe. It's like today. Normal day. By myself all day because it's my day off. I'm sick, so I spent most of the day in bed. And it was fine, I had to work for a little bit, was nice and social. Came home, and I just don't want to talk to anyone. It flips like a switch, and I just wish it would go away. 

I've been too depressed to read. Which is so shocking because I love to read. I've just been glued to the TV, and that's about it. Hopefully I can shake off whatever is going on with me, and get back to normal.